If the stoush between Eric Hollingsworth and Sally Pearson was an episode of Judge Judy:
Hollingsworth: Well, I provide support to athletes and coaches as they prepare for domestic and international competition.
Judge Judy: (Frowning over her glasses) Support?
Hollingsworth: That’s right.
Judge Judy: And how would you describe your support for Sally Pearson?
Hollingsworth: Well, lately I’ve had to communicate with Sally through a discrete third party.
Judge Judy: The media.
Hollingsworth: It’s the best way to get my message across to her.
Judge Judy: That message being that she — let me just read from your statement — “sets a bad example to the entire national team”.
Judge Judy: Wow, the entire national team. She must have done something really terrible for you to say that. What was it? Did she go on a Stilnox binge and wake up all her teammates?
Judge Judy: Um is not an answer. Did she pose in a picture with firearms?
Hollingsworth: No, your Honour.
Judge Judy: Did she assault a teammate? Get drunk and trash a few shopfronts? Publicly attack team officials?
Hollingsworth: No, no, nothing like that.
Judge Judy: Well she must have done something to get your head all full of steam.
Hollingsworth: She ran in a race.
Judge Judy: The nerve of her.
Hollingsworth: I know!
Judge Judy: I ought to throw the book at her.
Hollingsworth: Would you?
Judge Judy: (Theatrical sigh) Of all the courtrooms in all the towns in all the world…
Hollingsworth: Gin joints, your Honour.
Judge Judy: I beg your pardon?
Hollingsworth: In the movie, the line is ‘Of all the gin joi—
Judge Judy: Don’t talk to me about Casablanca, sir. I can recite it in my sleep. Every line of it. All you need to know is that on your best day, you’re not as smart as I am on my worst. Let me show you just how smart I am. Sally Pearson’s an athlete, right?
Hollingsworth: A hurdler, yes.
Judge Judy: So isn’t it her job to (pulls a face) run in a race every now and then?
Hollingsworth: I can see why you’d think that. But she was supposed to be at a team training camp.
Judge Judy: Why?
Hollingsworth: To help build team morale.
Judge Judy: Another of your areas of expertise, I assume?
Hollingsworth: I think I know how to unite a team, yes.
Judge Judy: You sure do, Mr Hollingsworth. Right now they’re all united in thinking you’re an idiot.Embed from Getty Images
Hollingsworth: (looking around the courtroom) If I can make an observation, your Honour, I notice Ms Pearson hasn’t even bothered to turn up to resolve this matter.
Judge Judy: She’s running a race, Mr Hollingsworth. Setting a bad example again.
Hollingsworth: Oh, that’s right. The hurdles heats.
Judge Judy: She ran 12:69.
Hollingsworth: Good time.
Judge Judy: Must have been great for team morale.Embed from Getty Images
(Hollingsworth looks confused)
Judge Judy: I’ve heard enough of this crock of baloney. I’m ready to make my ruling. I sentence you to the ridicule of the Australian public for a period of their determination.
Hollingsworth: That’s harsh, your Honour. I’m appealing.
Judge Judy: No you’re not, Mr Hollingsworth. Take it from me, you’re not remotely appealing.