It’s the first time the Poms have won the Davis Cup in 79 years. And it’s not like they win a lot of hardware in the sporting arena*.

So you’d think the Poms could muster some excitement about taking out tennis’ ultimate team trophy.

But Andy Murray says there’s no point having a victory parade because “I’m not sure anyone would come. We’d just be going round London seeing sights on our own and waving at buildings.”

At least there was one desperate overdressed fan happy to have the team over to his place.

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Oddly enough, British tennis has used this moment to start tearing itself apart.

Captain Leon Smith says the Lawn Tennis Association should use this rare victory to inspire future players. A fair enough point, you’d think. Except Murray says there are no future players and he hasn’t bothered to discuss it with officials because “nothing ever gets done”.

And former player David Lloyd, who was last week pointing the finger at Murray for not doing more to promote the game — hello, he’s winning, what more do you want? And who the hell are you anyway? — now says British tennis is a mess and it’s all the Lawn Tennis Association’s fault.

Guys, I know this is foreign territory for you, but you actually won. Relax, Have a cocktail. Enjoy.

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Meanwhile, the English national team that really does need help is being coached from 9,448 kilometres away.

After the Rugby World Cup England had, I imagined they’d pull out all stops to get their new coach into the country.

But Eddie Jones has had to take on coaching duties from Tokyo because his visa application is still being processed. He was allowed in for a press conference, then had to leave again while they sorted out the red tape.

The Australian rugby league team also has a new coach. And at least Mal Meninga’s press conference went better than that time he announced he was running for politics.

Some bizarre scenes in Adelaide, even more bizarre than Adelaide has been known to get, when the Aussie team masseuse was sent in to field during the day-night Test against New Zealand and a bloke who couldn’t walk was sent in to score the final runs.

The sight of Mitchell Starc actually hopping between wickets won’t soon be forgotten. I blame the pink ball. And Shane Watson.

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And a week’s not complete without a couple of FIFA arrests, is it?

Hanging outside Zurich’s posh Baur au Lac hotel, FIFA’s home away from home, is like duck hunting season for criminal prosecutors.

Soccer’s ‘governing’ body was holding a two-day congress to discuss organisational reforms (stop laughing) when police picked off a couple more ‘high ranking’ FIFA officials suspected of taking bribes over TV rights.

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FIFA also took the opportunity to announce it could make a £67m loss this year.

That’s right, after all the corruption, rorting, fleecing of host cities and rivers of sponsorship gold, it still can’t turn a profit. Which takes incompetence to a whole new level.

But fear not. A FIFA spokesman says the figure is just a forecast and the final number could be cooked, I mean fiddled, I mean different.

Uruguay footballer and sometime snacker on opponents Luis Suarez is about to get a statue in his home town of Salto. We got this sneak peak.

And finally, is this every bloke’s dream bride? Straight from the altar to the game. I’d say this groom’s got himself a keeper.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Stand out in the crowd.

* I won’t mention the Ashes if you don’t.