A quick word to all the lads in the ski slopestyle. Please, for the love of all things tasteful, pull your pants up. Don’t imagine for a second while you’re doing all your tricks and twirls that we at home have any desire to see your clacker. Or your undies. Especially the grey marle variety.
Trust me on this one. In 20 years or so, when you’re showing photos of your heyday to your kids and they ask ‘Daddy, why is your bum hanging out of your pants?’, you’re going to wish you made different fashion choices in your youth.
In the past few hours, I have been exposed to more barely clad boy butt and plumber’s crack than is decent or healthy. Easily the worst offender, and there are so many to choose from, is Sweden’s dreadlocked dude Henrik Hanlaut, who gets around the slopes in such low low low-slung clown pants, they actually ended around his ankles on one training jump.
All this pants action was a bit of a distraction from the actual medals battle, which involved our own Russ Henshaw. Needing a big score to make the podium after other competitors threw down moves like the ‘screamin’ semen’, Russ went for broke on his final run, with a jump he hadn’t tried before on the soupy Sochi course, twirled once, twice, three times— are you feeling the suspense here? — and face planted. But, as he says, at least he had a crack at it. His words, not mine.
In an Olympics boilover, and I’m not just talking about the Sochi sun which has forced athletes and spectators alike to strip down to their t-shirts, Russian figure skating legend Evgeni Plushenko withdrew from competition and announced the end of his career after hurting his back in warm-up.
Now, I was going to say this news had his countrymen sobbing into their breakfast cereal but when I Googled ‘Russian cornflakes’, I unwittingly discovered it’s the name given to a bedroom act which involves scraping off bits of your trouser snake and placing them on your partner’s face. Seriously??!! Try that one out on Valentine’s Day.
Over at the speed skating, it was scenes reminiscent of 2002 when China’s Li Jianrou ‘did a Bradbury’, keeping her feet while everyone around her was losing theirs to take the gold in the women’s 500-metre short track final.
And finally, our skeleton girls Michelle Steele and Lucy Chaffer are in the mix in the face-down head-first luge, placed 12th and 17th at the midway point of their competition.
The end of Day Six finds us at 20th place on the medal tally. For the record, the Poms are 23rd. That’s really all that matters.
They said it
“I had a crack, got close, whatever.” Oh yes, there was plenty of crack, Russ Henshaw
“He’s a bit wild, there’s no doubt about that, and he could do with a shampoo.” Channel 10’s ski slopestyle commentator on Sweden’s dreadlocked Henrik Hanlaut
“You can hear my face grating against the ice. It’s terrible.” One word, Aussie skeleton competitor Michelle Steele. Eeeeewwwww.
“I was paranoid, I didn’t want to get in his way! It was amazing, all my friends were jealous.” Aussie figure skater Brendan Kerry gets a bit starstruck at sharing the ice rink with his hero, Russia’s Evgeni Plushenko
“I wasn’t crying because the American anthem was playing, I promise.” Torah Bright gets teary on the podium