Are you trying to kill me, sport?

I’m not silly. I know being an elite athlete is about the worst thing you can do to your body. Strange as it may seem, all that fitness really isn’t good for you. So I’ve opted for what I thought was a much safer pursuit as a couch potato. Over the years, I’ve swum world…

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The hard men of the peloton

With the World Cup over, all that’s left to be revealed is whether Holland’s Arjen Robben will be made an honorary Italian for his diving prowess or if Russia can blow more money in four years’ time than the $51 billion it spent on the Sochi Olympics. As the Brazilians bid farewell to the remaining…

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A word, Ms Coulter

I’ve held off writing about Ann Coulter’s attack on soccer in the hope that ignoring her would make her go away. Then she had a second crack at it. In Ms Coulter’s world, soccer is a liberal conspiracy that promotes individual underachievement and doesn’t have anywhere near enough bloodletting. It’s groundbreaking because, while FIFA has…

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Who’ll take home the best World Cup hair award?

As David Beckham prepared for his recent Amazon travel documentary, wife Posh asked him what he was going to do with his hair in all that humidity. The countless exotic critters that could curtail hubby’s life — from Brazilian wandering spiders to poison dart frogs — seemed the least of her concern. Her greatest fear…

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Luis Suarez’s statement to FIFA

I wish to complain about the conditions I had to endure in my team’s match against Italy at Natal on Tuesday. Not to mince my words but the lack of condiments on the sideline was nothing short of disgraceful. In my experience, which is considerable, football players taste like chicken. They require a great deal…

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Minnows upset the World Cup apple cart

Let’s call them the Generation Y of the World Cup. They’re the teams that don’t know their place and have scant regard for the football hierarchy. Coming into the tournament, they were largely there to make up the numbers, evolve their skills and learn from the experience. Except they never got the memo. So, these…

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Tim Cahill exits the World Cup stage

The headline said it all. “Australia Just Scored the Goal of the World Cup. Yes, Australia.” Until a few hours ago, it was hard to imagine anyone beating Robin van Persie’s flying Dutchman effort for goal of the tournament. And then Tim Cahill did this. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Just a…

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Some free World Cup advice for England

Regular readers will know I’m not generally one for helping the English out of a pickle. One of my favourite pastimes as an irreverent Antipodean is thumbing my nose at the mother country, especially in all matters sport. Please see Exhibit A, B, C and D, otherwise known as my Ashes coverage. So if you’re…

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World Cup: we’re beating Spain!

When it comes to soccer,* Australians are a blindly optimistic lot. We came into the World Cup with by far the lowest ranking of the 32 countries and then got handed the crappiest draw of any team. That’s the New York Times saying that, by the way, not just this Aussie diehard. And yet we…

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Survivor: Blatter Island

Imagine for a moment that FIFA is the reality TV show Survivor and Sepp Blatter the contestant that’s gone rogue. Delirious from a diet of media bile and the relentless glow of the public spotlight, his words and deeds become increasingly desperate and bizarre. Sitting round the campfire at night, he talks of the World…

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World Cup ads: cast your votes

In the lead-up to the World Cup, things go from bad to worse for Brazil’s government. Now it has been hit with a lawsuit for false advertising, with independent federal prosecutors arguing commercials talking up the benefits of the World Cup are “absurdly divorced from reality.” Which simply serves as an excuse for us to…

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Brazil’s World Cup countdown hits discordant note

In a game of word association, Brazil conjures many possibilities. Football. Carnival. Party. Colour. Movement. And, of course, music. Brazilian drums and samba beats that get those hips swinging as only Latino hips can. There’s also The Girl from Ipanema. And let’s not forget Peter Allen’s I Go To Rio or Barry Manilow’s Copacabana. Hey,…

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