Some free World Cup advice for England

Regular readers will know I’m not generally one for helping the English out of a pickle.

One of my favourite pastimes as an irreverent Antipodean is thumbing my nose at the mother country, especially in all matters sport. Please see Exhibit A, B, C and D, otherwise known as my Ashes coverage.

So if you’re reading this, one of the following has happened (please pick one):

Right, here goes. England, there are two things you need to do if you want your team to perform well at the World Cup.

First of all, get off Wayne Rooney’s back.

Yes, he had a few dodgy shots at goal in the game against Italy. And let’s not even talk about that corner. That’s right, this one.

But there was also that sublime cross to Daniel Sturridge just minutes after Italy scored, which immediately got the match back on level pegging. Think where you might have been without that kick. OK, you’d have a physio with two working ankles but you get my point, don’t you?

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At least you’ve stopped short of burning effigies and plastering Wayne’s face on dartboards like you did to David Beckham in 1998. That’s progress of sorts and I’ll give you credit where it’s due.

But have you ever considered what the weight of your infernal expectations might do to a fella? And how all this talk about dropping him from the team might affect his confidence?

Which brings me to my second point. Wayne needs a cuddle. He needs his Coleen. There’s something a tad Freudian about England’s decision to leave the WAGs (wives and girlfriends, for the uninitiated) at home. Certainly, it’s not healthy to let all that testosterone go untended.

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The smartest man on the planet, Stephen Hawking, says banning the WAGs “will have no bearing on England bringing home the bacon.” And having their WAGs present clearly didn’t hinder Italy’s game.

So there you have it. Go easy on Wayne Rooney, let the boys have a bonk and see how you go.

Over at the Socceroos camp, our preparation for our next encounter with the Netherlands continues to plan, with our men’s hockey team thrashing the Dutchies 6-1 in the World Cup final.

We have crushed the Netherlands’ national spirit. Expect Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie, the heroes of the 5-1 slaughter of Spain, to be broken men when they take the field against Australia.

You read it here first.

 

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Anna LM says:

    Isn’t that the cure for so many things though…? “Let the boys have a bonk” indeed!

    Like

    1. kazblah says:

      It might just help them relax. Especially Wayne. He’s such an uptight little fish.

      Like

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