Seriously, where’s the fun in that? How about branching out a bit? Why not become a world champion?
I’m not talking about turning yourself into the next Usain Bolt or Serena Williams. That would require keeping all of the above resolutions and training your arse off. Which is far too much hard work.
No, there’s another way. One that enables you to travel the world, or at least go to out-of-the-way pockets of Finland and the UK, where many of the more bizarre world championships seem to be held.
Irish sports journalist Graham Little has proved it can be done. Five years ago, he set himself a quest to become a world champion in, well, anything. He finished the year with the World Elephant Polo Championships crown.
So, where to start. Pretty much any hobby you had as a kid, there’s a world title up for grabs. Thumb wrestling, marbles, tiddlywinks, rock paper scissors, yo-yo, arm wrestling, you name it.
I’d probably stay away from the last two, though. In arm wrestling, you’d eventually come up against this guy, German Matthias Schlitte, who was born with a right forearm bone way bigger than his left and has used it to good effect ever since.
As for yo-yo, I think this video proves that your average walk-the-dog trick isn’t going to cut the mustard.
No matter, there’s plenty more to choose from. Like the World Worm Charming Championship, where you’re allocated a patch of turf and, by whatever means necessary short of actually digging them out of the ground, summon your slithery critters to the surface. Kids seem to do really well at this, for some reason.
You might drop into the tiny Welsh town of Llanwrtyd Wells for a spot of bog snorkelling if you have a particular talent for swimming in muddy water. As part of a tourism push, the town also hosts the World Alternative Games, where you can win gold in gravy wrestling, running backwards, sprinting in stilettos and underwater hockey.
If pulling seriously ugly faces is your thing, you can enter set the World Gurning Championship. Be warned, though. This guy, Tommy Mattinson, has come away with the last sixteen titles. On the bright side, he appears to be a one look wonder, so if you’ve got an expression that outdoes this, you’ve got it in the bag.
Or put your office rage to good use and sign up for the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships, where you can enter two categories, one for distance and one for artistic interpretation. You win, that’s right, a new mobile phone.
There are a variety of eating contests, like the World Oyster Eating Championship. Be prepared to hoover 480 oysters in eight minutes to claim this title.
For those looking for a bit of danger, you could try extreme ironing, where you press your wardrobe while rock climbing, skiing, scuba diving or in a war zone. It’s been described as ‘an adrenaline sport which combines the thrill of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt’. I’ve got one word: why?
Or you could push for the reinstatement of the World Sauna Championship — last one out of the steam room wins — which was cancelled a few years ago when a competitor spent too long in the sauna and died.
While the Air Guitar World Championships are well contested, you could try your hand, so to speak, at the Air Sex World Championships. Fake orgasms only, please.
There are also international contests for cardboard tube fighting, sticking a ferret down your pants — world record five and a half hours — toe wrestling, bee wearing, shin kicking, toe wrestling, pretty much anything you can poke a stick at. Including, yes, poking a stick at someone.
But I’ve saved the ‘best’ for last. It’s not for the faint-hearted. But this title fight has the added advantage that Entourage star Adrian Grenier may be looking on.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the World Queefing Championships. If you don’t know what queefing is — and I admit, I didn’t — well, you’re in for a hell of an education.
So what are you waiting for? Get to it and let me know how you go. You just might finish 2015 as a world champion.
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