8am: The human is particularly excited this morning, talking about a big night of sport and checking the batteries in the remote. This looks ominous.
9am: Now, she’s carb loading. Banana pancakes. Which I’m expected to help her cook, by the way.
Midday: So, it seems tonight I am to navigate the Australian Open women’s final, the Asian Cup final and possibly the Queensland election results, depending on how they shape up.
4pm: Spend the afternoon getting some deep tissue work, keeping up the liquids and having a leisurely thumb wrestle with the kid down the road. Also grab a nap.
7.30pm: Game on. It’s an easy start, a bit of tennis on Seven while thumbing through the human’s Twitter feed for election updates. Then flick over to ABC at 8pm for the Asian Cup kick-off. All under control.
8.15pm: Serena’s making mincemeat of Sugarpova and it’s nil-all in the soccer. Nothing too arduous there, though having to work unusually hard to keep up with the Twitter feed. Queensland looking the most enthralling contest of the three so far.
8.40pm: Pace of channel surfing has picked up considerably. Starting to cramp a little. Ask left thumb for massage. It gives me the middle finger.
8.45pm: GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL!!! The Socceroos score the first goal of the Asian Cup final to take a 1-nil lead against Campbell Newman. Human jumping up and down makes it hard to drive the Twitter feed.
Annastacia Palaszczuk, the Australian Open wild card who somehow made it all the way to the final, wins the first set 6-3. She’s got the South Korean goalie on the ropes here.
9pm: The Socceroos look set to pull off an unlikely win in the Queensland election. Antony Green says while it’s too close to call, they are narrowly ahead of Maria Sharapova on a two party preferred basis.
9.30pm: Serena Williams has conceded defeat in the seat of Ashgrove. Regardless of what else unfolds tonight, she will not govern Queensland. She takes this development surprisingly well.
In the soccer, Campbell Newman has been given a yellow card for faking a mandate. He is stretchered off the ground. His game is over.
Clive Palmer and Pauline Hanson remain on the bench. It doesn’t look like they’ll be taking the field tonight. They say they can’t understand why it’s called the Asian Cup anyway.
Annastacia Palaszczuk wins the Australian Open, beating Tim Cahill in straight sets.
9.40pm: Greatly fatigued. Left thumb won’t lift a finger to help.
9.48pm: We’re into injury time in the Queensland election. Three more minutes and the Socceroos will be governing the State. And…
9.49pm: NOOOOOOOOO! Sepp Blatter spoils the party and finds the back of the Australian net. It’s 1-all. We’re going to extra time while they count the postal votes. Human is hyperventilating.
10.30pm: Unbelievable scenes as, despite taking the field with just nine players, the Labor Party wins the Asian Cup in extra time. Maria Sharapova is the new Premier of Queensland. Ange Postecoglou is getting a knighthood.
Or something like that.