You’re 17 years old. You’re surfing at Noosa Heads. It’s Easter.
The last thing on your mind is politics.
And then some dude drops in on your wave, the cardinal sin of surfing. He’s wet-suited like a seal, also marginal behaviour in these balmy Autumn waters.
It’s your former Prime Minister, Tony Abbott.
While she looked less than impressed, Ivy Thomas had a wry surfer’s take on the encounter. “I was secretly glad he wasn’t wearing budgie smugglers,” she said.
In other matters surfing, the Big Wave Awards announced the Wipeout of the Year finalists.
You’d have thought Tones would be a shoe-in, given what happened to him in September, but he was inexplicably left off the list of nominees.
Still, there are some crackers in the human whirlpool category.
The Australian uniform for the Rio Olympics opening ceremony was unveiled this week. There’s no gentle way of putting this. It’s seersucker.
It’s a fabric so problematic that Business Insider dedicated an article to it last year. “No one knows how to wear seersucker suits without looking like a salesman from 1923,” it concluded.
Coupling shorts and blazers, our Olympic clobber has variously been described as ‘nanna chic’, ‘a green and gold private school nightmare’, ‘standard issue yacht crew’ and ‘a scene straight out of Gossip Girl’.
“I like it, it’s very vintage, it’s very Rio,” said one Olympic hopeful.
A sequinned G-string — that’s very Rio. This? Not so much.
As we prepare for the Rio Olympics, Australia’s still adding to its London medal tally. That’s how good we are.
Aussie butt wobbler Jared Tallent has been named the 2012 Olympic champion after the Russian bloke who crossed the line ahead of him in the 50-kilometre walk was done for doping.
With Russia’s participation in the Rio Games up in the air, there’s still a chance Tallent will face dirty rotten drug cheat Sergey Kirdyapkin again in a few months. On this April Fool’s Day, I’m advocating tying the Ruskie’s show laces together.
One person who won’t be competing in Rio is Aussie basketball champ Lauren Jackson, whose knee just isn’t up to the rigours of another Olympics campaign.
While devastated to be bowing out this way, Lauren gets the award for the classiest retirement statement.
Sure beats this, at any rate.
As our Aussie blokes slinked out of the World Twenty20 tournament, our Southern Stars women have made it into their fourth straight final with a semi-final win over England.
England women’s coach Mark Robinson blamed the loss on his players’ lack of conditioning.
“For me it’s quite simple. We’re not fit enough,” he said.
I don’t know, Mark. Your fielding could have used some work.
Also pointing the finger after his team’s pool stage exit was Pakistan cricket coach Waqar Younis, who came home begging the nation’s forgiveness, then said the team’s performance had nothing to do with him. Because he’s only the coach.
In a report to the Pakistan Cricket Board, Waqar said he didn’t want to ‘shift the blame to any personal individual’. Buuuuuuut, it was all Shahid Afridi’s fault.
“We lost… the World Twenty20 due to poor captaincy,” he said. “No matter how many times I talk to the players, it is the captain who has to lead the boys on the field and execute the plan.”
And here’s world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic perfecting his ball skills at the Miami Open.
Another celebrated ball player, Lionel Messi, managed to offend an entire nation when he gifted his footy boots to an Egyptian TV show. Which in Egypt can be quite the insult.
Egyptian politician Said Hasasin leapt to defend his nation’s honour.
“We (Egyptians) have never been so humiliated during our seven thousand years of civilization,” he blustered. “I will hit you with the shoes, Messi.”
And there we are, back where we started. No matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to keep politics out of sport.
Have a good weekend, everyone. Share the waves.