Dear world leaders.

Welcome to Australia. I will be your sports concierge during your G20 visit. Any sport you’d like to see or try, to take your mind off the weighty problems of the world, I’m your guy.

For those of you with tickets to the much hyped Shirtfront Showdown between Tony ‘The Duke’ Abbott and Vladimir ‘The Impaler’ Putin, we’ve had to postpone this event until further notice. At least until the two protagonists find shirts.

Despite some promising pre-bout argy bargy, the bloke in the blue tie corner unfortunately lost his nerve. While this has had many ticket holders demanding their money back, we’re confident that with a certain amount of provocation, we can get this fixture back on track.

To that end, we’re grateful to the person who photoshopped Vladimir Putin’s motorcade, transforming it from the merely dishevelled into a free character assessment.

We’re also pleased to see the Russian leader has done his bit, parking some of his scrap metal off the Australian east coast and leaving it to the world’s media to apply the Mixmaster. “That’s not a shirtfront,” his actions implied. “THIS is a shirtfront.”

The situation was getting nicely inflamed until the Washington Post went all Kumbaya on us and reassured readers that ‘any direct military confrontation between the two nations certainly appears extremely unlikely’. Most unhelpful.

Though, with Russia now claiming the warships are there just in case they need to do climate change research in the Antarctic — bahahahahahahaaaaaah — we may have to re-categorise this event altogether under vaudeville.

And cue Moscow flashmob. They’ll be dancing to the ditty on your right.

For those of you looking for a sports event with a local flavour, we have an excellent mud wrestling contest for your entertainment, featuring Clive ‘Wrecking Ball’ Palmer and Jacqui ‘Lambo’ Lambie.

Don’t be deterred by the apparent disparity of this match-up. While Lambo is fighting well outside her weight division, she’s a plucky little scrapper and not afraid to use the squirrel grip when the situation requires.

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It should be a highly entertaining bout, with both combatants known for their unpredictable manoeuvres and total disregard for safety. A word of warning: do not get tickets in the front rows for this one. Best to watch from a safe distance to avoid collateral damage.

Mr Cameron, we commend you on your decision not to join Mr Abbott for a bike ride on the grounds that it ‘might involve wearing more lycra than is consistent with re-election’. We can only hope our own PM learns from your example before we all go mad or blind or both.

Mr Putin, we don’t have any bears for you to ride but you can bareback a cane toad if the mood takes you. You may find you have quite a bit in common. Or feel free to take yourself a little further north and wrestle a crocodile or box jellyfish. Please.

For the rest of you, I’m sure we can find something that suits your sporting appetite provided it doesn’t gravitate too far to the kinky.

Enjoy your stay and remember to play nicely in the sandpit.