The Oscars: Return of the Y-fronts

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Thirty-three years after Risky Business and the white Y-front has made a blazing Hollywood comeback, courtesy of Michael Keaton’s ballsy Birdman outing, director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s revelation that he had worn his ‘tighty whities’ to the Oscars and Neil Patrick Harris’ semi-nude hosting performance. But it wasn’t the worst thing the night offered. Read on for the Oscars hits and misses.

Best Dressed: There was so much bridal white on the red carpet, I thought I’d tuned into a mass wedding. But the only person to pull it off was Lupita Nyong’o. Yes, it looked a bit like she’d been wrapped in a phone chord but the effect was so stunning I’d be astounded if she got through the night unwed.

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Selma’s David Oyelowo may have been snubbed when the Best Actor nominations were handed out but he hatched a plan to steal the show in a scarlet tux. And executed it flawlessly. Margot Robbie showed femme fatale beyond her years with her sultry va va voom. But a couple of relative unknowns outshone the major celebs. Best Costume winner Milena Canonero owned the stage in sparkly Liza Minnelli pants, an evening trenchcoat and catwalk nonchalance.

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And the frock of the night was Short Doco winner Dana Perry’s refreshingly original pom pom number. It was wacky elegant, about the hardest look in the world to master. “Takes a lot of balls to wear a dress like that,” quipped host Neil Patrick Harris. To which Dana responded backstage: “I invite anyone to feel my furry balls.” And the next time we saw Harris, he was in his jocks. It was that kind of night.

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Worst dressed: Of course, the reason we tune in to the Oscars each year is for the red carpet fails. And the field in this category was deliciously rich this year. Gwyneth Paltrow remains unconsciously uncoupled from anything approaching a fashion sense, bless her organically cultivated cotton socks. She had a large pink rose growing out of her left shoulder. Probably as a result of the greenhouse environment created when she last steam-cleaned her bits.

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No matter how well off JLo is, she can never seem to find the dosh to cover her norks. She had the puppies on show AGAIN, prompting this tribute from Baha Men.

There were some fashion car crashes among the ladies in white. Marion Cotillard wore a bedspread with a piece of gaffer tape on her bum. Patricia Arquette’s frock was part toga, part flying nun. Lady Gaga accessorised with a pair of large red rubber gloves, as if she’d come straight from delivering a calf. Jennifer Aniston and Laura Dern channeled Game of Thrones in Oscars chainmail. I would have liked to see them in a sword fight. Naomi Watts came as a brick wall. Lorelei Linklater looked like the special effects in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

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Follicle fails: Last year, we had the attack of the man hair. This year, the ladies got stuck into the Brylcreem. Scarlett Johansson, Sienna Miller and Rosamund Pike all looked like their hair had been styled by a brickie. But they were outdone by Kelly Osbourne’s purple Mr Whippy ‘do.

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Best speech: You’d expect the writers to make good speeches and they didn’t disappoint. Common and John Legend reduced the audience to tears with their rendition of Selma’s Glory, then delivered the most articulate acceptance speeches of the night. “We live in the most incarcerated country in the world,” said Legend. “There are more black men under correctional control today than were under slavery in 1850.” The Imitation Game screenwriter Graham Moore revealed he’d tried to commit suicide at 16 because he didn’t fit in and used his acceptance speech to appeal to any kid who might now be in his teenage shoes.

Best quips: I loved Cate Blanchett’s ‘okey dokey smokey’ before she announced the Best Actor winner. But Best Director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu provided the hands-down one liner of the night with his: “Two Mexicans in a row — that’s suspicious.” He also referenced ‘that little prick called ego’. Skyhooks would beg to differ, of course.

Cutest moment: Eddie Redmayne is a hot contender here for his little ‘wow’ dance mid-acceptance speech. Gaga went gaga when she introduced Julie Andrews, complete with outstretched arm and the curtsey of a primary school kid. But I’ll give this one to Foreign Language Film winner Pawel Pawlikowski, the first person I’ve ever seen outlast the wind-up music. The violins soared and Pawel just kept talking, so he could thank his late wife. Bravo.

Unanswered mysteries of the night: The appeal of Channing Tatum. Ditto The Sound of Music. How Michael Keaton chewed gum all night without getting lockjaw. Why Ben Affleck’s life sucks so much that he couldn’t crack a single smile in four and a half hours. Till next year, folks.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. J U D E says:

    And that’s a wrap… Pure genius, darling! XJX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous says:

    Awesome read as usual. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yoginime says:

    NPH was awful! Bring back Hugh. And I know you can never find a good word to say about Gwynnie but I think she always rocks it. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. kazblah says:

      She galvanises opinion, I’ll say that for her!


  4. Anna says:

    I didn’t watch it but feel I got the guts of it from this round-up. Thanks Kaz!

    Liked by 1 person

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