The most gratifying thing about the Oscars is that no matter how rich or famous or good looking a person might be, or how many hot and cold running stylists and designers they have at their beck and call, they can still stuff up royally on the red carpet.
Exhibit A. Heidi Klum. A model. You’d think she’d have half a clue how to dress.
Nup. Not if this tie-dyed ensemble, part Disney blancmange, part toga, part vertical garden, is anything to go by.
Exhibit B. Alicia Vikander. OK, she’s an awards show newbie, so perhaps we should cut her a bit of slack. And yes, she won an Oscar on her first attempt, so she’s streets ahead of Leo DiCaprio on that score.
But she too needs steering away from the Disney costume cupboard. As do all the mermaid wannabes who shuffled down the red carpet. You know who you are. And Cate Blanchett, though she wore Disney so well I thought she might burst into some syrupy ear worm of a song.
Exhibit C. Margot Robbie. Margot, Margot, Margot. Every year, someone decides it’s a good idea to go dressed as the Oscar they weren’t nominated for.
It’s not. Never will be. If your stylist tries to push a gold number on you for the big night, fire them on the spot.
Exhibit D. Kerry Washington. In a year of controversy about the all-white acting nominees, prompting the best line of the night from host Chris Rock — “Jada (Pinkett Smith) boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.” — Kerry wore ebony and ivory.
A touching nod to diversity it may have been but it was an awful dress.
There were plenty of other dishonourable mentions. Kate Winslet came dressed as an oil slick. Or a heart monitor printout. It was hard to tell. Let’s just say aquatic birdlife perished in her wake.
Lady Gaga sported camel toe and free range boobage in an ill-fitting white winged pantsuit.
There was a lot of peek-a-boob going on. Charlize Theron’s frock was so plunging, she had to attend to her bikini line before throwing it on.
Olivia Wilde wore a white skirt. I think her limo driver must have told her on the way to the ceremony that she needed to cover her top half as well. And look, she did the best she could at such short notice.
And doesn’t Rooney Mara look happy to be there? Maybe she’s thinking how much trouble she’ll be in when her mum realises what she’s done to her best tablecloth.
To the awards and for the first half of the show it was looking like an Aussie coup. Six Oscars, all courtesy of Mad Max, seven if you throw in Margot Robbie, and a lot of strangulated vowels in the acceptance speeches.
I thought one of the victorious sound guys was about to break into a chorus of ‘Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi, oi’. It was glorious.
Leo finally got his Oscar after a 23-year wait. Just in time for his lifetime achievement award.
The biggest shock of the night, apart from Lady Gaga not winning Best Song, was Sylvester Stallone, 39 years between nominations and playing the same character, such is his versatility, missing out on Best Supporting Actor. Which was almost as big a shock as finding out he was the favourite in the first place.
“I don’t want it to end,” he’s said a few hours before on the red carpet. When Mark Rylance’s name was read out instead of his, he might have changed his tune to something more like this:
Anyway, here’s some things we learned on the night.
If you want to win next year’s Best Picture Oscar, cast Michael Keaton now. He’s been in the last two winning flicks. That’s a meaningful trend.
No one can carry off boob pockets but Charlotte Rampling came close. Plus she made comfy shoes look cool.
And despite the winners’ thank yous being scrolled across the bottom of the screen to save time, the ceremony still went for three days.
So how did I go with my Oscar tips? I got 17 correct picks out of 24, which is not bad considering I’ve yet to see any of the nominated films except those suitable to take a 10-year-old to. Truth be told, I was all across the Animated Feature category and very little else.
I also picked the new FIFA President. All without a hint of peek-a-boob.