Rio, we have a problem

Friday Funnies strap 2-2

Slow
How Olympic tickets are selling

First up, this week’s roll call of disaster from Rio de Janiero.

With Olympics tickets selling slower than a Sunday driver, Rio Mayor Eduardo Paes has told spectators not to bother buying tickets to the rowing.

“Do not spend your money on this,” he says. “Go watch at the border of the lagoon, drinking your beer in peace with your family. Put your beach chair there because you will watch rowing for free.”

Thanks for the tip, Ed. Expect a call from the International Olympic Committee any minute.

As part of Rio’s Olympics on a shoestring, teams are now being told they’ll have to pay for their own mozzie screens to protect their athletes against Zika virus. Which doesn’t quite gel with their promises to do everything they can to stop athletes being exposed.

As if Rio doesn’t have enough to worry about, French prosecutors are now looking into the bidding and voting processes for the Rio 2016 and Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games. Is there a bidding process anywhere that’s above board these days?

Oh, and an arm has been found floating in Guanabara Bay — or the Bay of all Delights as it was once dubbed by 19th century American novelist Herman Melville.

Now for something random, watch this guy laugh at some jokes that aren’t funny. It’s funny. Way funnier than the gags.

During his emotional swan song at the Australian Open barely two months ago, Lleyton Hewitt said there was ‘zero’ chance he’d take the court during this weekend’s Davis Cup tie against the United States.

But with Nick Kyrgios still on his sick bed, Hewitt’s retirement may be short-lived.

He’s now part of the four-man team that will take on Jim Courier’s charges at Kooyong. While he’s only nominated Bernard Tomic, Sam Groth and John Peers to play, there’s still a chance our most successful Davis Cup player could come off the sidelines.

Which must leave him feeling a bit like Al Pacino in Godfather III.

Roger Federer still finds himself at a loose end as he recovers from knee surgery after a playground incident with his kids.

So this week he joined the throngs on the Oscars red carpet, doing tequila shots. As you do. Looks like he’s come straight from an audition for the next James Bond.

Elsewhere, tennis is going to the dogs. Specifically at the Brazil Open, where some stray dogs from a local shelter were put on ball kid duties during an exhibition match.

Look, it may not catch on. But the dogs had a ball.

The new head of soccer’s ‘governing body’ has a big to-do list: clean up corruption, find out if there are any cleanskins left to work with, address the myriad issues around the Qatar World Cup, restore FIFA’s reputation. Just for starters.

So how did Gianni Infantino spend his first day on the job? He played footy.

In a worrying sign about his financial management capabilities, Infantino has revealed he doesn’t know what he’ll be paid as FIFA Prez.

“I have not discussed with anyone about my pay or what my pay will be,” he says. Maybe he’s counting on the bonuses.

Meanwhile, Septic Bladder says he’s glad not to have the job anymore.

“It is a relief. I had this burden on me,” he says.

A bit hard to believe considering how desperately he held on to power. All the time people were trying to shoehorn him out of the job, he was like Charlton Heston with a firearm.

But we’re glad you’re relieved, Sepp. We hope to relieve you of a whole lot more in the coming months.

While Sydney Roosters star Mitchell Pearce mounted a media charm offensive to salvage his career, his club was considering suing those who sold the video of Pearce’s Australia Day shenanigans to media outlets.

Which is kind of missing the point, guys.

In news that prompted a snigger from those who have seen the litany of dodgy umpiring decisions of late, eyewear brand Specsavers has just become the new sponsor of the English cricket’s County Championship.

Cristiano Ronaldo has again confirmed his reputation as the game’s greatest narcissist following Real Madrid’s 1-0 loss to rival Atletico Madrid.

“If everyone was at my level, perhaps we would be in first place,” he said. It’s a wonder he gets his head through the dressing room doorway.

And finally, Tiger Woods opened a new golf course in Texas this week. Some kids were invited to try it out with him. This happened.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Get it right the first time.

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