Sepp Blatter: why I’m innocent

Friday Funnies strap 2-2

Septic Bladder broke a two-month silence this week after appealing to FIFA to lift his eight-year ban from footy. And it was gold.

“I have killed nobody, I have not robbed a bank, I have not taken any money from anywhere,” he said, providing a less than persuasive character reference on his own behalf.

Sepp perve
Septic really respects his women

Then the clincher. “I was even treating well all my ex-girlfriends. It’s true. They defend me. One I was married to only for a few months and she is really defending me.”

See, no dodgy payment to a fellow FIFA exec. Not when he treats his women so well.

About those pesky allegations that Russia and Qatar secured World Cups by dubious means, Septic assured us: “You cannot buy a World Cup. It will go at the end where the higher political influences are.” Just in case you were silly enough to think it was won on merit.

Septic lost his appeal. Can’t think how that happened.

Meanwhile, Jordan’s Prince Ali wants the FIFA presidency voting process to be transparent. Completely transparent. As in held in see-through booths, which he’s had shipped in specially.

His request was denied.

Embed from Getty Images

Rio’s Olympic organisers have just notified the International Olympic Committee that yet another project might not be finished in time for the Games.

This time it’s just the small matter of the subway that was supposed to transport folk between venues. No biggie.

The US men’s basketball team won’t be troubling itself with such matters. They’ll be setting foot in Rio as little as possible during the Games.

Word is they’ll be calling a luxury cruise liner home for the Olympics, just like IOC members. So yeah, who gives a stuff about the trains?

Now for something completely random, how’s this for a classic catch by the world’s tallest cricketer Mohammad Irfan?

A bloke who calls himself the ‘world’s fastest stoner’ kinda bummed out during the trials for the US Olympic marathon team.

Chris Barnicle reckons dope is performance enhancing because ‘it decreases your anxiety… gives you a little bit more of this crazy drive that we need as runners to push ourselves to that extreme edge’.

Yup, dude runs stoned. So how did he go? Well, as one media outlet put it, he came stone motherless last. “I was kind of a little bit out of it,” he told flotrack.org. But hey, at least he got off the couch.

Meanwhile, comedian Eddie Izzard has embarked on his own madness, attempting to run 27 marathons in as many days, one for each year Nelson Mandela was in prison.

“The first 10 are always the hardest,” says Eddie.

Two marathons in and he was sporting some nasty sunburn and blisters but his nail polish was still intact.

As Brendon McCullum blasted the fastest ever Test century this week, the Afghan Cricket Board tweeted its congratulations. To the wrong person. With pretty comical results.

 

Have a good weekend, everyone. Give credit where it’s due.

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