From Russia with love

Friday Funnies strap 2-2

James BondThe World Anti-Doping Authority set the kot among the golubi this week with its report outlining systemic doping in Russian athletics.

The accusations required a calm, rational response. What we got was the head of Russia’s anti-doping agency, Nikita Kamaev, who sounded like he’d been dipping into the banned substances himself.

“I reckon some must be thinking I hang around with a handgun in the holster and visit the Lubyanka dungeons in the evenings,” he said.

“That’s nonsense. The one who believes this is hopelessly bogged down in the early days of the James Bond saga.”

OK, so you’ve got a Sean Connery fetish, Niki, but what about the drugs?

Meanwhile, Twitter had a field day.

Team Russia was so stoned, it couldn’t get one consistent media response going.

Presidential press secretary Dmitry Peskov said the accusations looked ‘rather groundless’. All-Russia Athletics Federation lawyer Artyom Patsev said they were ‘a political hit job’. The sports minister conceded there was a problem but Britain was worse.

I hate to say it but the most sensible remarks came from Vladimir Putin, who promised an actual investigation.

“It is essential that we conduct our own internal investigation and — I want to underline — provide the most open professional co-operation with international anti-doping structures,” he said.

Meanwhile, Twitter had a field day.

But for once, there was someone in deeper poo than soccer’s ‘governing’ body.

Deprived of the international spotlight, FIFA president Septic Bladder took the opportunity to have a ‘small emotional breakdown’. Just a little one. In case you were worried.

His spokesman says he’s been told to ‘stay cool and relax for a few days’. Which would require being cool in the first place.

At any rate, Sepp’s having hospital sponge baths till Tuesday.

Residents in at least two English town of Edenbridge sent him a personal get well message by burning bonfire night effigies. Just in case he wasn’t feeling the love.

The documentary on soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo has been released and from all reports it’s a dog.

By far the best review comes from The Guardian’s Daniel Talyor.

“The film is a remarkable vanity project,” he says. “It is difficult not to come away with the feeling that Ronaldo must shout his own name during sex.”

Here’s the trailer if you’re interested.

It’s obvious Chinese soccer commentator Dong Lu doesn’t find Ronaldo that exciting. He’s just been sacked for falling asleep and snoring while commentating a recent Real Madrid game.

In his defence, it was about 5am in Beijing.

Also caught napping were Aussie cricket coach Boof Lehmann and fielding coach Greg Blewett, who learned the hard way not to sneak some mid-flight shuteye if you don’t want to end up breaking the internet.

Mind you, Peter Siddle and Mitchell Marsh may find it has become that bit harder to make the Australian squad.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Stay alert.

2 Comments Add yours

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