An Olympics volunteer welcomes you to Sochi

How you like volunteer uniform? Is bright, da? Source: Sochi Media Centre
How you like volunteer uniform? Is bright, da?
Source: Sochi Media Centre

Privet. My name Vladimir, like man I love in totally non-sexual way.

Welcome to Sochi, one of warmest cities in Russia. Is perfect place for Winter Olympics, da? Please to put on your sunblock.

Some people say not nice things about Sochi. My job to tell truth, put record straight.

The thing about buildings not finished. This is not problem. Hello? Games start on Friday. Is still plenty time.

The journalists, they not happy with hotel rooms. All the time complain, complain. The not to flush toilet, the tap water look like wee, the stray dogs in bedroom, the knobs that fall off door, the lifts that not work. This is not problem. You are not understanding Russian sense of humour. Or despise of journalists.

A lot of people saying Games is most money ever. This is not problem. At first Games cost $12 billion and now is just little bit more, like $51 billion. This is good thing. We spend more than all other Winter Olympics put together to make Games extra good for you.

Then the suggestion Sochi not safe. This is not problem. Listen to what Steven Seagal say:

“The chances of any of these suicide bombers actually being able to pull it off are extremely remote.”

See. Straight from horse’s mouth. Mr Seagal is big movie star, part-time policeman and good friend of President Putin. So he know these things about international security.

Some athletes say course too dangerous. American big shot Shaun White pull out of slopestyle event because he scared. This is not problem. Course, like life, is meant to be difficult. Some people break bone, is OK. This make Games more fun to watch. Shaun White is big sook. If make happy, we get President Putin to test all venues. With no shirt. Is easy for him. He probably say make harder.

The man that love the man and the woman that love the woman, they tell people stay away because President Putin not like them. Some even say not drink Stolichnaya as protest. We have big laugh at this one. This type of vodka not even Russian. Made in Latvia. LOL.

Anyway, this is not problem. First of all, our mayor make clear we have no gay in village. Not one. But even if have, they safe. President Putin promise.

“We are not forbidding anything and nobody is being grabbed off the street, and there is no punishment for such kinds of relations. You can feel relaxed and calm. But leave children alone please.”

And if no snow, even this is not problem. We make some earlier. Almost half a million cubic metres. We all keep little bit in freezer, just in case.

So you see, we have everything covered. All is OK, not like journalists say. Maybe now you see why we give them such rubbish rooms.

We wish you best for Sochi Olympics. Please not to get upset when Russia win all the medals. Good luck.

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