I hear that in a land of old

Disaster’s struck the green and gold

A two-Test flogging, so I’m told

Don’t look at me to facts unfold

I will not mention the cricket.

 

You cannot make me, I’ll resist

No matter how much you persist

This issue, it does not exist

So, even if I’m fall-down p*ssed,

I will not mention the cricket.

 

There’s other things to dwell upon –

Kurt Fearnley’s New York marathon

Our Dan’s first year in Formula One

Nick Kyrgios, our rising son —

So why would I mention the cricket?

 

The Wanderers’s epic Asia win

The Kangaroos by hair of chin

Our Wallabies can even grin

About those things I’ll make a din

But I will not mention the cricket.

 

It’s our first loss to Pakistan

In twenty years, since time began

Since Keating Paul the country ran

Things really haven’t gone to plan

So of course I won’t mention the cricket.

 

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The first Test was a record drubbing

The next an even bigger clubbing

Dave Warner’s wicket-keeper subbing

Had us all our eyeballs rubbing

Don’t ask me to mention the cricket.

 

Clarkey moved his field about

To try to stop the Paki rout

His efforts sadly came to nowt

If Boof had hair, he’d pull it out

So let’s not mention the cricket.

 

We needed fours, we needed tons

We needed umpire bribing funds

Instead we played like Catholic nuns

Five wickets lost for just eight runs

No way will I mention the cricket.

 

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Now Allan Border, such a grump,

Is after Clarkey’s middle stump

Chappelli’s also had a dump

There’s the soapbox, up you jump,

For I won’t mention the cricket.

 

There’s wringing hands and gnashing teeth

They’re laying a symbolic wreath

We’re in a state of disbelief

Paralysed with shock and grief

But I’ll not mention the cricket.

 

It could be worse, I hear you say,

The Windies, they won’t even play

The English too in disarray

Because KP won’t go away

Still, I’m not gonna mention the cricket.

 

And now my ode must here conclude

I’ve much enjoyed this interlude

I hope you do not think me rude

That I, in verse, did not include

One single mention of the cricket.