First, to explain the 24-hour delay in this week’s Friday Funnies.
It’s Lleyton Hewitt’s fault.
On a day when I’d normally be posting the week’s sports highlights, my daughter and I spent nine hours in the car fanging our way to Melbourne for Lleyton’s farewell.
A marathon drive diminishes your capacity in many key areas — namely conversation, reduced to an ancestral grunt; rational thought, a struggle at the best of times; and social engagement of any kind.
A bit like this guy.
So here I am, refreshed after a good night’s sleep, pretending it’s Friday. Humour me here.
And the first question that springs to mind is would I go to the same lengths if it was Bernard Tomic or Nick Kyrgios playing their last tournament? On this week’s form, probably not.
Bernie withdrew from the Sydney International citing fatigue, dizziness and food poisoning. Which sounds very much like ‘the dog ate my homework’.
He also told the umpire: “I’m looking for Melbourne, I’m not looking for this.” Never mind the paying public.
At the Kooyong Classic, Nick Kyrgios was having trouble with the 40-degree temperature, poor lamb, before he too withdrew.
Moping around the court, he said to no one in particular: “I don’t even want to play if it’s like this. It’s no joke. Like, I should be, I could be in bed. If I knew it was going to be like this.”
Like, dude, it’s a summer sport. It’s no joke. So if you can’t, like, handle the heat…
And for both of you muppets, here’s a few tips from Lleyton’s handbook about retiring mid-game. I mean, c’mon.
This week’s passing of David Bowie revived the tale of how John McEnroe tried to perfect a couple of his songs while, unbeknown to him, the sleep deprived star lay in a room downstairs listening to his tunes being murdered.
In You Cannot Be Serious, McEnroe wrote: “In between rounds at Wimbledon in 1982, I struggled to learn David Bowie’s Suffragette City and Rebel, Rebel in my hotel flat.”
“I heard a knock on my door. It was David Bowie. ‘Come up and have a drink,’ he told me. ‘Just don’t bring your guitar.’”
Seven months out from the Rio Olympics and Games organisers have been hitting some discordant notes of their own.
There was the cancellation of the construction contract for the Olympic tennis centre for delays and other breaches. No word yet on how the venue will be completed.
Then there was the arrival of a lot of big fish, normally a thing to be heralded in an Olympic city. It’s just that none of these survived the journey.
There’s also the news that thousands of seats now won’t be built at venues for the swimming, rowing and sailing.
But the most epic blunder was the decision to use a photo of convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius to promote the Games under the banner ‘with the love of your life’.
Games organisers have yet to explain why, with thousands of athletes to choose from, they went with THAT one under THAT slogan and it didn’t occur to ANYone that it mightn’t be a good idea.
Meanwhile, Aussie rugby player and all-round raconteur Nick Cummins, aka the Honey Badger, has announced he’d love a spot in the rugby sevens as it makes its Olympic debut.
“I’m keen as mustard to get this opportunity to play sevens again,” he said. “She’s a big year, we all know why.”
The Honey Badger also put up his his hand to carry the Aussie flag. “Opening or closing ceremony, I’m not fussy,” he says. Now, that could be hilarious.
Champion Kiwi shot-putter Valerie Adams was showing off the secret behind her latest weightlifting regime this week. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Finally, this statue of Cristiano Ronaldo in his home town of Madeira was always ripe for ridicule, right?
And it got some this week after rival Lionel Messi’s Ballon d’Or win and ‘Messi 10’ was scrawled across Ronaldo’s bronze back in red paint.
Ronaldo’s sister was not amused, claiming Madeira was “inhabited by some frustrated savages who deserve to live in Syria.” Proving she has her brother’s sense of humour.
Have a good weekend, everyone. Give it your all.