You’re not in the same league, Eddie

The big question for me this week has been: is there a bigger plonker on the planet than Eddie McGuire? Turns out there is. Meet ESPN sports commentator Stephen A. Smith, a bloke who makes Eddie, with his let’s-drown-a-female-journo-like-it’s-Salem-in-the-1600s, look like a feminist. When NFL star Ray Rice knocked out his partner in an Atlanta…

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A new Low in scratch ‘n’ sniff

We’d barely recovered from the sight of former Aussie prime minister Kevin Rudd eating his ear wax on a lazy day in Parliament. Then Germany’s soccer coach did this. Joachim Low has apologised for the tug and sniff manoeuvre he pulled off during his team’s Euro 2016 win over Ukraine. “It was adrenaline and concentration….

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Long jumper freezes out the Zika threat

You’re an Olympic champion keen to defend your title. But you’re worried the Zika virus might harm your future procreation plans. What do you do? You freeze your sperm, of course. While Zika has prompted a number of athletes to pull the pin on Rio altogether, 2012 Olympic long jump champion Greg Rutherford has discovered…

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Rio, we have a problem

First up, this week’s roll call of disaster from Rio de Janiero. With Olympics tickets selling slower than a Sunday driver, Rio Mayor Eduardo Paes has told spectators not to bother buying tickets to the rowing. “Do not spend your money on this,” he says. “Go watch at the border of the lagoon, drinking your…

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On the road for Lleyton

First, to explain the 24-hour delay in this week’s Friday Funnies. It’s Lleyton Hewitt’s fault. On a day when I’d normally be posting the week’s sports highlights, my daughter and I spent nine hours in the car fanging our way to Melbourne for Lleyton’s farewell. A marathon drive diminishes your capacity in many key areas…

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Santa spills the beans

In a special treat for our readers, we have obtained a rare interview with Santa as he prepares to harness the reindeer for his annual global pilgrimage. Perhaps due to lack of sleep or an excess of Mrs Claus’ famous eggnog, Santa has blown the lid on some of the more unusual requests he has…

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From Russia with love

The World Anti-Doping Authority set the kot among the golubi this week with its report outlining systemic doping in Russian athletics. The accusations required a calm, rational response. What we got was the head of Russia’s anti-doping agency, Nikita Kamaev, who sounded like he’d been dipping into the banned substances himself. “I reckon some must…

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FIFA’s problems solved. Honest.

Stop everything. I think I’ve found the new FIFA president. With candidates falling like flies ahead of the February 26 vote, caught up in corruption probes of their own, there has emerged a person with exactly the qualities you’d expect in the boss of soccer’s ‘governing’ body. Here are some of his recent quotes —…

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A Winter Olympics… with no snow

When the International Olympic Committee met last weekend to decide the host city for the 2022 Winter Games, it had a choice between two cities: one with snow and one without. But who needs snow, right? After all, the last Winter Olympics were held in the tropical slushie of Sochi. So Beijing got the nod….

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Reader’s request: The meat market of elite sport

Try this exercise. Take your first and last names, put a ‘the’ in front of them and a ‘brand’ at the end. See if you can say those four words without sounding like a tosser. Can’t do it, right? Now look at this announcement made last month by the world’s third highest paid athlete. Long…

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Women’s soccer far from a level playing field

After a week of arrests and resignations at the highest level of the game, FIFA has some actual football to focus on. The FIFA Women’s World Cup kicked off in Canada over the weekend, not a moment too soon for soccer’s embattled ‘governing’ — if you’ll pardon the looseness of the language — body. There…

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Minnows upset the World Cup apple cart

Let’s call them the Generation Y of the World Cup. They’re the teams that don’t know their place and have scant regard for the football hierarchy. Coming into the tournament, they were largely there to make up the numbers, evolve their skills and learn from the experience. Except they never got the memo. So, these…

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