Trump tries sports diplomacy. Fails.

Friday Funnies strap 2-2

Donald Trump tried to be nice to someone this week. It went spectacularly wrong.

Trying to thank Colin Montgomerie for playing at one of his golf courses, Trump unwittingly trolled the Scottish golfer.

A lovely sentiment. Except Montgomerie never won a major. He was runner-up in five. But then Trump has never been one to worry about silly little things like facts.

To celebrate clinching the numbers for the Republican Party presidential nomination, Trump is planning another wall, this time in Ireland, to protect his Doonbeg golf course from the effects of climate change.

The only thing is Donald doesn’t believe in climate change. According to him, “it’s always weather.” Except when it’s eating his golf courses, apparently.

It’s all a bit like watching this guy celebrate a good night out in the boxing ring.

In another example of crash or crash-through sports diplomacy, the Russian Tennis Federation has named Maria Sharapova in its Olympics squad.

But there are contingencies should her doping ban not be lifted. We understand Jarryd Hayne has always been interested in playing women’s tennis and is busy learning the rules as we speak.

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Russia’s new athletics boss Dmitry Shlyakhtin reckons there’s a 50-60 per cent chance his track and field charges will be competing at Rio.

He says Russian athletics is now squeaky clean after its recent troubles.

“A mouse would not be able to slip past us now!” he told Reuters.

I reckon there’s a 50-60 per cent chance he was on the juice when he said that.

Gagged

British Cycling has tried to gag its pedallers following the organisation’s recent problems with doping, sexism and the small matter of flogging the national cycling uniform online.

New Technical Director Andy Harrison sent this none too subtle email to his cyclists: “You are free to say yes or no to interviews, but how you respond will be a big factor in our ability to support you as the current season unfolds.”

The email leaked, of course.

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West Indies cricketer Chris Gayle has been at it again, asking a female reporter how many black men she had slept with, whether she’d ever had a threesome, complaining that her questions ‘suck me dry’ and boasting she’d need two hands to lift his ‘very, very big bat, the biggest in the woooooorld.”

Which is hardly news. Chris Gayle showing a woman respect — now that would be a headline.

Jamie Vardy, the star of Leicester City’s unforgettable season, won’t be taking the field for England’s friendly against Australia.

Having postponed his wedding to Rebekah Nicholson three times because of footy commitments, he finally got hitched this week. Mrs Vardy got herself a special suitcase for the occasion.

And Jarryd Hayne is ready to step into the English soccer side if needed.

British pop singer Karen Harding had one of the biggest gigs of her life when she was called on to sing God Save the Queen before the FA Cup Final.

Just one thing. She forgot to do the singing bit.

Markus Kattner has been FIFA’s acting secretary general for just a few months. He came to the role when his predecessor Jerome Valcke was sacked over corruption allegations.

Now Kattner has been fired for ‘breaches of his fiduciary responsibilities’. Which is code for funnelling millions of dollars in ‘bonus payments’ into his own bank account. Allegedly.

Let’s be honest, he had some great mentors.

To finish, we give you six-month-old Zyla St Onge. She can’t walk yet. But this week she water skied about 200 metres across a Florida lake.

Her professional water skier parents reckon this sets some kind of youth record. But Jarryd Hayne is feverishly checking to see if there’s any way he can break it.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Don’t peak too early.

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