Long jumper freezes out the Zika threat

You’re an Olympic champion keen to defend your title. But you’re worried the Zika virus might harm your future procreation plans. What do you do? You freeze your sperm, of course. While Zika has prompted a number of athletes to pull the pin on Rio altogether, 2012 Olympic long jump champion Greg Rutherford has discovered…

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Trump tries sports diplomacy. Fails.

Donald Trump tried to be nice to someone this week. It went spectacularly wrong. Trying to thank Colin Montgomerie for playing at one of his golf courses, Trump unwittingly trolled the Scottish golfer. @montgomeriefdn Colin, great to have you at Trump Turnberry. So proud of you and your GREAT playing! You made winning MAJORS look…

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Whistle blower admits Russia full of dopes

When it comes to doping, the Russians make Lance Armstrong look like a weekend pill popper. As the World Anti-Doping Agency decides whether Russia can compete at Rio, the bloke who ran Russia’s anti-doping lab has spilled the beans on a systemic doping program that operated during the Sochi Olympics. Here’s how it worked. Dope…

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FIFA plays the victim card

You’ve got to hand it to FIFA. Soccer’s ‘governing’ body has finally admitted that World Cups have been bought with bribes. But only because there might be a buck in it. In perhaps its most brazen step to date, which is saying something, FIFA is claiming ‘victimised institution’ status and seeking restitution from the US…

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Rio, we have a problem

First up, this week’s roll call of disaster from Rio de Janiero. With Olympics tickets selling slower than a Sunday driver, Rio Mayor Eduardo Paes has told spectators not to bother buying tickets to the rowing. “Do not spend your money on this,” he says. “Go watch at the border of the lagoon, drinking your…

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Sepp Blatter: why I’m innocent

Septic Bladder broke a two-month silence this week after appealing to FIFA to lift his eight-year ban from footy. And it was gold. “I have killed nobody, I have not robbed a bank, I have not taken any money from anywhere,” he said, providing a less than persuasive character reference on his own behalf. Then…

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The Oscars and the FIFA gig: who’ll win?

You may not be aware but this weekend is a once-in-a-lifetime event. For the first time ever, the Oscars and the FIFA Presidential vote will be held on the same weekend. (I’m going to claim this as an exclusive, as I’m sure it’s a link no other sports scribe has researched.) Extraordinary things will unfold….

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Sepp’s silent treatment

Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It’s been seven weeks since my last mention of Septic Bladder. Not since New Year’s Day has he graced these pages, when we reported the heartbreaking end of his 17-year love affair with soccer’s ‘governing body’ with the haunting words, “I now no longer fight for FIFA”. Still…

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The end of a love affair

The festive season can be hard on relationships. But it seems this Christmas has claimed the greatest love affair of them all.

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Santa spills the beans

In a special treat for our readers, we have obtained a rare interview with Santa as he prepares to harness the reindeer for his annual global pilgrimage. Perhaps due to lack of sleep or an excess of Mrs Claus’ famous eggnog, Santa has blown the lid on some of the more unusual requests he has…

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The egos have landed

His fiefdom is rife with corruption, he himself is under criminal investigation and two World Cup bids get stinkier by the day. But according to Vladimir Putin, this is all good reason for FIFA president Septic Bladder to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, in Vlad’s mind, Septic deserves the same honour that has…

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Sports stars and their big mouths

Forget the investigations over bid corruption and concerns over the abuse of construction workers. David Beckham reckons we should all support the 2022 Qatar World Cup. “Whether it’s corrupt or not, those countries have been chosen. People need to get behind that,” Becks told Radio Times. “It’s about bringing football to new countries. They should…

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