The egos have landed

His fiefdom is rife with corruption, he himself is under criminal investigation and two World Cup bids get stinkier by the day. But according to Vladimir Putin, this is all good reason for FIFA president Septic Bladder to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, in Vlad’s mind, Septic deserves the same honour that has…

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Turning 50

I reached my half century yesterday. I’ll admit it hasn’t been the most technically brilliant innings. It’s had a bit of the Glenn Maxwells about it — a lot of air swings and inside out shots while going for the big hits. It has on occasion lacked discipline, like a young Dave Warner; elegance, like…

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All’s fair in love and rugby

When the Rugby world Cup comes around, it’s always good to make fun of the All Blacks when you can. Which turns out to be pretty easy when they’re playing away from home. The All Blacks have only claimed the Webb Ellis Cup when the tournament’s been played on their turf. And Japan’s shock win…

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Battle of the boofheads

If we’ve discovered one thing from the Adam Goodes episode this week, it’s the dumbest person in Australia. It’s been a hotly contested tussle. Some of the comments put forward wouldn’t look out of place in a Miss Universe pageant. But from the primordial slime has emerged a clear winner. Come on down, Griffin McMaster….

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English cricket and other maulings

You know you’re in trouble when former Aussie Prime Minister John Howard starts sledging you about your sporting prowess. The noted cricket tragic reckons England’s batsmen have a ‘psychological problem’ with the Aussie bowling attack, which has left them ‘just a little bit spooked’. Which is all true, of course. But it’s a bit rich…

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To sledge or not to sledge

It all starts when Dave Warner says wistfully he wants to tone things down in the backchat department. Go for it mate, says Captain Clarke. No one asked you to be an arsehole anyway. Let’s make the whole Ashes campaign sledge-free, says Jimmy Anderson, unravelling himself from the lotus position. That series we played against…

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I’m an English cricketer. Get me out of here!

Scene: The middle of nowhere. PETER MOORES sits on a log in front of a campfire, frowning, a spreadsheet on his lap. Ten men emerge from the bushes in dirty cricket whites. They reach the campfire and slump to the ground. One starts burning a cricket bat to keep them all warm. JAMES ANDERSON: What…

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Is it wrong to be enjoying this so much?

You know that scene in Love, Actually when Laura Linney’s character gets the tall, dark, handsome colleague back to her place and ducks into an alcove to jump excitedly on the spot? That was me last night when England got bundled out of the Cricket World Cup. I’m not Robinson Crusoe on this one. Bagging…

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The year in sport… in song

Who better than Miley Cyrus and the cast of Deliverance, among others, to recap some of the highlights — and lowlights — of the year in sport? Budget schmudget Vladimir Putin spent $US51 billion staging the Sochi Olympics, more than every other Winter Games combined. It wasn’t enough to adequately furnish the facilities, light up…

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When superheroes retire

In recent days, we’ve been shown a variety of ways to negotiate the twilight of a stellar sports career. I’m going to focus on three: the Fred Astaire for enduring grace and dignity, the Brian Meeker for reasons that shall become obvious and the Honey Boo Boo, for sheer search-and-destroy precociousness. The Fred Astaire: This…

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