I’m an English cricketer. Get me out of here!

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Scene: The middle of nowhere. PETER MOORES sits on a log in front of a campfire, frowning, a spreadsheet on his lap.

Ten men emerge from the bushes in dirty cricket whites. They reach the campfire and slump to the ground. One starts burning a cricket bat to keep them all warm.

JAMES ANDERSON: What are you still doing here, Pete? Didn’t you get voted out?

PETER MOORES: I don’t understand. The data said nothing about losing my job.

Camera pans to hosts MICHAEL VAUGHAN and GEOFF BOYCOTT.

Peter, the tribe has spoken.
Peter, the tribe has spoken.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: (to camera, in hushed tones) I think the former England cricket coach has just discovered the true value of his data.

GEOFF BOYCOTT: It’s worth about as much as his contract.

JOE ROOT: (motioning for the spreadsheet) Here, let me have a look.

PETER MOORES reluctantly hands over the sheet. JOE ROOT studies it intently. Minutes tick by, then finally…

JOE ROOT: Ah, I see what’s happened. If you’d added ‘Bowl the Windies out’ in this column, Cookie might have known to field a second slip and you might still have a job.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: (to camera, in hushed tones) Once again, the genius of the Root lad comes to the fore. Obvious captain material.

PETER MOORES: Geez, how was I supposed to know that?

ALASTAIR COOK: (looking around) Where’s Trotty?

JAMES ANDERSON: He went home. Days ago. He said goodbye.

GEOFF BOYCOTT: (to camera, in hushed tones) A good captain would have known that but Cookie’s so up his own arse.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: Not sure that’s possible, Geoffrey, with half the ECB already there.

KP's stance needs some work. Image by Nic Redhead.
KP’s stance needs some work. In so many ways.
Image by Nic Redhead.

ALASTAIR COOK: Who’ve we got to fill Trotty’s place?

PETER MOORES: (Getting up to leave) Don’t ask me.

There’s a rustle in the bushes. KEVIN PIETERSEN springs into the open, a brand new cricket bat in hand.

KEVIN PIETERSEN: I’m free.

ALL: NOOOOOO!

KP throws down his bat and stomps off. IAN BELL tentatively lifts the lid on the saucepan over the fire.

STUART BROAD: What’s for dinner?

IAN BELL: One guess.

ALL: (droning) Quinoa.

They throw down their plates in disgust.

STUART BROAD: Isn’t there a bug eating challenge we can do?

GEOFF BOYCOTT: (to camera, in hushed tones) That’s one of the main problems right there, Michael. No wonder they can’t bowl out their opposition. They’re starving. What they need is meat. Roast beef and Yorkshire pud, bangers and mash, not bloody quin-oh-wah.

Way way better than quinoa.
Way way better than quinoa.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: Keen-wah, Geoffrey.

GEOFF BOYCOTT: What?

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: It’s pronounced keen-wah.

GEOFF BOYCOTT: Either way, it’s not food, is it?

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: Let’s go and tell the lads what new tortures are in store for them.

The hosts greet the contestants, who grumble in reply.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: I know you’re all tired but, in the absence of competitive cricket, the viewers expect continued laughter and entertainment at your expense.

There’s a rustle in the bushes. KEVIN PIETERSEN springs into the open, a brand new cricket bat in hand.

KEVIN PIETERSEN: Count me in.

ALL (except VAUGHAN): NOOOOOO!

KP throws down his bat and stomps off.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: We have a doozy of a challenge for you. (Pause for effect) First up, there’s a Test series against New Zealand.

There’s a long silence.

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: And, for the season finale, you get to play… the Ashes!

More silence. Then a loud gulping sound. Someone throws up in the campfire.

STUART BROAD: Isn’t there a bug eating challenge we can do?

IAN BELL: (speaking into his mobile) Trotty, which pub are you at? I might come and join you. Oh, and Pete’s on his way too.

Could Dizzy be the saviour of English cricket?
Could Dizzy be the saviour of English cricket?

GEOFF BOYCOTT: Don’t worry. We know you can’t do this on your own. We’ve called in some help for you.

JASON GILLESPIE enters.

ALASTAIR COOK: Are you kidding? He’s Australian!

MICHAEL VAUGHAN: Genius, isn’t it?

ALASTAIR COOK: What if he sabotages the team?

MICHAEL VAUGHAN and GEOFF BOYCOTT howl with laughter. The others look on, bewildered.

ALASTAIR COOK: What’s so funny?

GEOFF BOYCOTT: Well think about it, lad. I mean, it’s not like you could do any worse, is it?

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