Six stupid words from Sepp

Here are the six most stupid words uttered this week — and it’s not even something Donald Trump said. Nope, it’s Septic Bladder. Now, I know the president of soccer’s ‘governing’ body has said some dumb things in his time, from the tightness of women’s shorts to the possibility of World Cups with aliens, but…

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The Ashes blame game

There wasn’t that much cricket, just eighteen days in all So we’ve taken up another sport in lieu of bat and ball Our batsmen forced our hands, for they just refused to linger And here begins the game called Let’s Point the Ashes Finger. *** The rot set in when Pup announced he’s hanging up…

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Kyrgios has an absolute Barry Crocker

Forty odd years ago, before he started crooning the Neighbours theme song, Barry Crocker was the unlikely lead in an irreverent flick about an Aussie lad on the loose in England. In The Adventures of Barry McKenzie, Bazza cuts an ocker swathe through the local women and the poncy establishment, always with a can of Foster’s in his…

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How to handle a gloating Pom

There’s no sugar coating this. Today is going to be hell in the office if you work with a Pom. Heaven help you if you’re an Aussie working in London. If that’s you, get the hell out of Dodge. At the very least, chuck a sickie or quit your job. But we don’t have to…

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A Winter Olympics… with no snow

When the International Olympic Committee met last weekend to decide the host city for the 2022 Winter Games, it had a choice between two cities: one with snow and one without. But who needs snow, right? After all, the last Winter Olympics were held in the tropical slushie of Sochi. So Beijing got the nod….

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Battle of the boofheads

If we’ve discovered one thing from the Adam Goodes episode this week, it’s the dumbest person in Australia. It’s been a hotly contested tussle. Some of the comments put forward wouldn’t look out of place in a Miss Universe pageant. But from the primordial slime has emerged a clear winner. Come on down, Griffin McMaster….

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English cricket and other maulings

You know you’re in trouble when former Aussie Prime Minister John Howard starts sledging you about your sporting prowess. The noted cricket tragic reckons England’s batsmen have a ‘psychological problem’ with the Aussie bowling attack, which has left them ‘just a little bit spooked’. Which is all true, of course. But it’s a bit rich…

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Man punches shark

Aussie mums to be, throw away the baby name books. There are only two  you need to know. Mick and Mitch. Call your child either one of these, even if it’s a girl, and they’ll grow up to be a be a dead set legend. Exhibit A: Mick Fanning Sees off Kelly Slater in the…

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Cycling still full of dopes

We’re halfway through the Tour de France and so far the toll is a stack of crashes, torn lycra, scrapes and broken bones. Plus one rider busted for cocaine and one for EPO. Now bikes are being randomly checked for hidden motors inside the frames. That’s right, mechanical doping is said to be the latest…

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We need to talk about Shane

In recent weeks, we’ve seen some gutsy stuff from a number of Aussie sportspeople. Surfer Sally Fitzgibbons burst an eardrum in the second round of the Fiji Pro. No problem. She bandaged up her head, ignored doctors’ orders and went out and won the title. Basketballer Matthew Dellavedova played himself into the ground for the…

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To sledge or not to sledge

It all starts when Dave Warner says wistfully he wants to tone things down in the backchat department. Go for it mate, says Captain Clarke. No one asked you to be an arsehole anyway. Let’s make the whole Ashes campaign sledge-free, says Jimmy Anderson, unravelling himself from the lotus position. That series we played against…

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Friday Funnies: Shane Warne expands his horizons

Americans, be warned. Lock up your daughters, wives, sisters, mothers, mistresses and blow-up dolls. Shane Warne is heading your way. In between lamenting that since joining Tinder women are always accusing him of impersonating Shane Warne, Warnie’s been busy teaming up with Sachin Tendulkar to crack the stubborn US market. They’ve assembled what the Sheikh…

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