Friday Funnies: The big guns of tennis take aim

Boris BeckerBoris Becker has decided to have a crack at, of all people, Roger Federer for, of all things, being too nice.

In his new book, Boom-Boom backhands the Swiss maestro, saying: “The reason Roger is one of the highest-paid athletes of all time is because he’s liked by everybody.

“But think about this — you can’t possibly be liked by everybody.

“He makes good money out of his image but would he make less if we saw a bit more of his true feelings?”

You mean like this, Boris?

“Becker really has no idea,” Roger responded. “Of course I don’t like what he said — after all, he was once my idol.

“He should know me well enough to know that I’m a relaxed guy. It’s always dangerous when you are talking a lot. Sometimes you say things you should not.”

Game, set and match, Federer.

Becker has also opened up about his sex romp with a waitress in a restaurant broom cupboard that resulted in his third child.

I’ll spare you the sordid details. At any rate, Becker is at a loss to know why women find him attractive.

“No idea,” he says. “I’m not especially rich, I’m not especially pretty, I’m no Adonis and my manhood isn’t over-enormous.” Just the normal size enormous, apparently.

And hit it, Paul Lekakis.

It’s now safe to take off our sunglasses after Roger’s compatriot Stan Wawrinka put his French Open winning shorts into retirement.

The shorts — part golf clobber, part pyjamas — have developed something of a cult following.

“It’s a funny story,” says Stan. “They have sold out even though it’s something that no one likes.”

Embed from Getty Images

Rising Aussie tennis pro Thanasi Kokkinakis had a unique explanation for his straight sets loss to Gilles Simon at Queen’s this week.

The lad was star-struck after seeing Jeremy Clarkson and One Direction’s Liam Payne in the stands.

“I got distracted a little bit,” he admitted. “At least I saw some important faces in the crowd!”

Now for something completely random. Here’s a video of Tom Brady dancing.

Aussie basketballer Matthew Dellavedova attracted international attention playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals, pushing himself so hard he had to be hospitalised for dehydration.

Della says he might need to kick his caffeine habit that has him slugging coffee before the game and at half-time.

“It’s not a good thing, probably, for your hydration.”

Over to you, Lloyd Bridges.

After two years in the wilderness for his seven years of ill-gotten gains, Lance Armstrong reckons it’s time for the cycling community to forgive and forget his doping shenanigans.

“I tried to make it right with every one of those people,” says Armstrong of the multitudes he bullied, attacked and flat out lied to. “I can only do so much.”

Armstrong Voldy“I’m that character in Harry Potter they can’t talk about. Voldemort? It won’t be the case forever because it can’t be the case forever.”

Actually, take away the nose and he’s got a point.

Speaking of Voldemort, Sepp Blatter is apparently having second thoughts about stepping down as President of soccer’s ‘governing’ body, FIFA.

With no handcuffs being waved in his face and continuing support from African and Asian football associations, Sepp reckons he might be able to stay on after all.

FIFA’s head of audit and compliance Domenico Scala has other ideas.

“It is clearly indispensable to follow through with the initiated process of president’s change as it has been announced,” said Scala in between bites of his dictionary.

I’ll leave it to Jeff Probst to translate.

Meanwhile, the Nobel Peace Centre has severed its ties with FIFA and its Handshake for Peace initiative.

FIFA offered this gob-smacking response: “This action does not embody the spirit of fair play.”

Hello kettle, this is pot.

And finally, points for participation to Filipino divers John Pahoyo and John Fabriga at the Southeast Asian Games this week. At least they could see the funny side of things.

As losing Cleveland Cavaliers coach David Blatt philosophised this week: “Not every story has a happy ending. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad story.”

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