Rio, we have a problem

First up, this week’s roll call of disaster from Rio de Janiero. With Olympics tickets selling slower than a Sunday driver, Rio Mayor Eduardo Paes has told spectators not to bother buying tickets to the rowing. “Do not spend your money on this,” he says. “Go watch at the border of the lagoon, drinking your…

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Sepp Blatter: why I’m innocent

Septic Bladder broke a two-month silence this week after appealing to FIFA to lift his eight-year ban from footy. And it was gold. “I have killed nobody, I have not robbed a bank, I have not taken any money from anywhere,” he said, providing a less than persuasive character reference on his own behalf. Then…

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The Oscars and the FIFA gig: who’ll win?

You may not be aware but this weekend is a once-in-a-lifetime event. For the first time ever, the Oscars and the FIFA Presidential vote will be held on the same weekend. (I’m going to claim this as an exclusive, as I’m sure it’s a link no other sports scribe has researched.) Extraordinary things will unfold….

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Sepp’s silent treatment

Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It’s been seven weeks since my last mention of Septic Bladder. Not since New Year’s Day has he graced these pages, when we reported the heartbreaking end of his 17-year love affair with soccer’s ‘governing body’ with the haunting words, “I now no longer fight for FIFA”. Still…

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The end of a love affair

The festive season can be hard on relationships. But it seems this Christmas has claimed the greatest love affair of them all.

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Santa spills the beans

In a special treat for our readers, we have obtained a rare interview with Santa as he prepares to harness the reindeer for his annual global pilgrimage. Perhaps due to lack of sleep or an excess of Mrs Claus’ famous eggnog, Santa has blown the lid on some of the more unusual requests he has…

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The egos have landed

His fiefdom is rife with corruption, he himself is under criminal investigation and two World Cup bids get stinkier by the day. But according to Vladimir Putin, this is all good reason for FIFA president Septic Bladder to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, in Vlad’s mind, Septic deserves the same honour that has…

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Enough talk about pink balls

In recent weeks there’s been more talk of balls than you’d get in a schoolyard full of teenage boys. We’ve heard that pink balls are hard to see, go soft pretty quickly, behave abnormally, are not real swingers and can turn green with wear and tear. Which is definitely not what you want in your…

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Guess who doesn’t know the rules of soccer?

“Australia was a little bit offside.” Interviewed for the ABC TV program Played, this was how FIFA boss Septic Bladder explained Australia’s failed bid to host the 2022 World Cup. Which suggests Septic needs a crash course in the rules of soccer. Because you have to be on the actual field of play — and,…

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From Russia with love

The World Anti-Doping Authority set the kot among the golubi this week with its report outlining systemic doping in Russian athletics. The accusations required a calm, rational response. What we got was the head of Russia’s anti-doping agency, Nikita Kamaev, who sounded like he’d been dipping into the banned substances himself. “I reckon some must…

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Rupert’s conversion on the road to Twickenham

Somewhere in the past week, Rupert Murdoch has become a rugby union fan. While I don’t follow his Twitter feed religiously — there is food to be digested after all — I’ve never known him to tweet about sport. Yet since Monday, there have been three in a row about rugby. Including one sticking the…

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FIFA’s problems solved. Honest.

Stop everything. I think I’ve found the new FIFA president. With candidates falling like flies ahead of the February 26 vote, caught up in corruption probes of their own, there has emerged a person with exactly the qualities you’d expect in the boss of soccer’s ‘governing’ body. Here are some of his recent quotes —…

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