Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It’s been seven weeks since my last mention of Septic Bladder.
Not since New Year’s Day has he graced these pages, when we reported the heartbreaking end of his 17-year love affair with soccer’s ‘governing body’ with the haunting words, “I now no longer fight for FIFA”. Still chokes me up.
But this week he fronted FIFA headquarters to appeal his eight-year ban from all matters football.
Excellent, thought your expectant scribe. Fingers poised on the keyboard, I waited for Septic’s latest garbled outrage in that endearingly Yodaesque way he has of strangling the English language.
Except Septic’s gone all Greta Garbo on us, slipping in and out the back door, evading photographers and reporters, not speaking, tweeting, calling or swanning around like a world leader.
This is the last known photo of him. If you see him, let me know. Make sure he’s OK. Because I kind of miss him.
Still, there are plenty of other sports administrators to keep us occupied.
Like Kenya’s athletics boss Isaac Mwangi, who’s been accused of asking athletes for bribes to reduce their doping bans.
“The allegations have caused me a lot of mental anguish,” he says. Watch this space.
Then there’s the Korean Swimming Federation, the headquarters of which were raided this week over allegations of corruption, forged documents and siphoned expenses. See, it’s not like FIFA has a monopoly on this stuff.
And spare a thought for Roger Goodell, who runs American football.
A new tax filing shows he suffered a 20 per cent pay cut in the 2013-14 season, taking home a mere $35 million. That’s him pictured above, holding one of his golden eggs.
Fortunately, Roger no longer has to suffer the ignominy of having his pay cuts published. The NFL has dropped its not-for-profit status and doesn’t have to disclose the Commish’s pay any more.
Yes, you read that correctly. The NFL, which rakes in more than $10 billion a year, was until very recently a not-for-profit organisation.
Most bizarre of all is the case of Nikita Kamayev. He was the head of Russia’s anti-doping agency RUSADA when the rampant doping in Russian athletics was exposed two months ago.
Katayev died this week, aged 52. “Presumably, the cause of death was a massive heart attack,” said RUSADA, with no apparent facts to go on, basically quoting a friend of a friend. As one reader suggested, perhaps it was natural causes brought on by palladium poisoning.
Kamayev’s death follows that of Vyacheslav Sinev, RUSADA’s chairman when the excrement hit the air-conditioning. He died earlier this month of unspecified causes.
The moral to this story is, no matter how good it looks, never ever take a job in Russian sports administration.
Shane Warne had a near death experience this week when he stuck his head in a box of snakes in the name of reality TV ratings. He was bitten on the head by an anaconda.
Yes, it was a non-venomous juvenile anaconda but that didn’t stop Channel Ten milking the episode for all it was worth.
“Anacondas have 100 rear-facing teeth,” said a breathless spokesperson. “Being bitten by one is like getting 100 hypodermic needles at once.”
Warnie’s been making an asp of himself in the I’m a Celebrity jungle. Bear in mind he made these comments about the evolution of man before the brain-numbing snake bite.
The other laughing stock of Australian cricket, Shane Watson, has had a rollercoaster ride lately.
A rank outsider just weeks ago to represent Australia in anything ever again, Watto raked in almost $2 million in the latest Indian Premier League auction, proving that outfit has more money than brains.
Selected for the Australian T20 World Cup side against all the odds and talked up as the unlikely hope of the side, Watto then promptly strained an abdominal muscle playing in the Pakistan Super League. Numpty.
But fear not, readers. The latest news is that he’ll be fit enough to bugger our World Cup chances in March. I know, I’m delighted too.
Andy Murray’s father-in-law Nigel Sears has an interesting theory for his collapse at the Australian Open.
“I had sushi for 10 days in a row in Melbourne and was fine,” he says. “But I suppose the law of averages dictates, you get one dodgy bit of raw fish in that time.” Maybe where you come from, Nige, but not in Australia, mate.
And finally, we’re always in the hunt for exciting new sports to road test. So thanks to the reader who brought split racing to our attention. I’ll let you know when I’m able to get to the starting line.
Have a good weekend, everyone. Keep yourself tidy.