Friday Funnies: Shane Warne expands his horizons

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Americans, be warned. Lock up your daughters, wives, sisters, mothers, mistresses and blow-up dolls. Shane Warne is heading your way.

In between lamenting that since joining Tinder women are always accusing him of impersonating Shane Warne, Warnie’s been busy teaming up with Sachin Tendulkar to crack the stubborn US market.

They’ve assembled what the Sheikh of Tweak calls a ‘Harlem Globetrotters’ or ‘Formula One’ of retired cricket all-stars to play some Twenty20 games at Wrigley Field and Yankee and Dodger Stadiums.

We supported you, Dizzy, even through this.
We supported you, Dizzy, even through this.

All well and good and we wish them every success. But the burning question is: how long do you reckon it’ll take Warnie to crack on to a Kardashian?

Speaking of retired cricketers, can someone remind Jason Gillespie that he didn’t get the England cricket coaching gig.

While it’s par for the course for the Aussies and Poms to partake in a bit of pre-Ashes sledging, Dizzy’s gone off piste and is razzing his own countrymen as ‘Dad’s Army’.

“I’d be thinking ‘let’s keep them out in the field’,” he said. “Let’s get them tired, they’re old blokes. We can put these guys under pressure.”

What’s this ‘we’ business, Dizzy? Or as our PM might ask: “Whose side are you on?” We stood by you for years, mate. Even through your interminable mullet phase. A bit of gratitude wouldn’t go astray.

As for Dad’s Army, about the only similarity I can see is the tendency for sledging.

Meanwhile, there’s a disturbing possibility the Ashes could get all kumbaya, with noted sledgers Dave Warner and James Anderson both saying they want to tone down their antics.

In the wake of their comments, I’ve had a good hard look at myself and the subtly one-eyed nature of my sports commentary.

So, in the spirit of the game, I give you this solemn assurance. Kazblah will uphold the fine tradition of Pommy bashing throughout the Ashes, to infinity and beyond.

Over to soccer and while Norway may have bowed out of the Women’s World Cup, they scored a knockout blow with this parody video aimed at critics of the women’s game.

Not to be outdone in the comedy department, FIFA has a new candidate to replace Sepp Blatter as President. Diego Maradona has thrown his hat in the ring.

Yes, Maradona. He’s a tax dodging, coke snorting, pill popping, jail birding, Hand of God World Cup thieving scumbag who uses journos as target practice. That’s right, he has actually shot journos.

Just the skill set FIFA is looking for.

Change may also be afoot in the world of Formula One, with news that it’s about to bought out by, among others, Qatar.

Some wealthy Qatari investors are said to be teaming up with Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross in a multi-billion dollar attempt to buy the troubled F1 franchise, which has become less about racing these days and more about reaching the finish line with petrol in the tank.

F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone, who owns a five per cent stake, doesn’t seem to have grasped the idea of talking up the price when an asset’s on the chopping block.

He’s currently hosing down suggestions that he described F1, with its almost pedestrian engine regulations, as a ‘crap product to sell’.

Finally, the state of the US Open greens had the players reaching for their vegetable analogies this week.

Henrik Stenson said it was like ‘putting on broccoli’.

“I think they’re more like cauliflower,” countered world number one Rory McIlroy. “Broccoli is green.”

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