The festive season can be hard on relationships. But it seems this Christmas has claimed the greatest love affair of them all between Septic Bladder and his muse, soccer’s ‘governing’ body, FIFA.
They’ve been together for 17 years, through thick and, of late, increasingly thin. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. Yeah, maybe not so much of the poorer bit.
Banned from anything football related for eight years by his very own ethics committee — still makes me laugh — Septic at first went all Celine Dion on us.
“I will fight for me and I will fight for FIFA,” he said. The message was clear. Near, far, from the back of a police car, his heart would go on.
That was the press conference where he said he was a ‘punching ball’. I think he meant ‘wrecking ball’ but he probably didn’t want to mix his divas.
One week on and Septic’s affections have definitely changed. “I now no longer fight for FIFA,” he told German magazine Bunte. “They abandoned me. I am now only fighting for myself and my honour.”
Which, let’s face it, is a pretty big fight. But clearly Septic needs some support and understanding at this difficult time, poor love.
And fortunately theres a North Korean dictator, albeit departed, who knows exactly how he feels.
Another person feeling a tad ‘ronery’ this Christmas was Serena Williams.
On Christmas Eve, she posted a picture of a cooked chook, minus a leg, with the caption: “As always, dinner for one.”
Sigh. And no gravy either.
There being precious little on in the way of sport over the past week, unless you’re a cricketer or a Sydney to Hobart sailor, it was interesting to see how our sports elite spent their festive season.
Serial scumbag Floyd Mayweather was well and truly into the Christmas spirit, out buying a truckload of diamonds for his favourite person. Which would be him.
This stash is estimated to have set him back about $10 million. Proving yet again that no amount of money can buy good taste.
Social media tart and part-time cricketer Chris Gayle posted a Christmas selfie, bare chested, tipsy, sitting in bed eating a burger. I think he thought it was sexy. I won’t show it to you because I don’t want to put you off your Cornflakes.
Mike Tyson might want to have a word with his family about their present choices.
This clip is a chiropractor’s dream. Let’s just say the hoverboard won in a first round knockout.
Even when he’s being Christmas pranked by his son Brooklyn, David Beckham seems to do it with a certain style. Nice furniture, perfectly trimmed facial hair, expertly rumpled t-shirt, tatts just so, classy black and white presentation.
I have serious doubts Becks was asleep in this photo, due to the distinct lack of a) bed hair, b) open mouthed breathing, c) multiple chins and d) pillow drool.
And seriously, call this a prank?
Still, when the guy can do this…
Tiger Woods had a dog of a year. So it seemed fitting that he bought the family yet another pooch for Christmas.
But the Christmas snap of the year goes to Andy Murray’s mum, who posted a pic that makes Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’ Diary look like a style guru.
And look, not a hint of embarrassment from the lads.
All I can say is it’s just as well Andy has already found himself a wife. Though I’m not entirely sure what Kimmy would make of this.
And so we move on to the new year. And there are some frightening photos out there.
Like this one of The Footy Show team. I’ve got one word. Queenslanders.
And this one. I’ve got one word. Warnie.
But I’ve found one photo that captures perfectly the optimism and expectation of a new year. Over to you, Mick Fanning.
Have a good weekend, everyone. I hope 2016 is good to you.