A new Low in scratch ‘n’ sniff


Friday Funnies strap 2-2We’d barely recovered from the sight of former Aussie prime minister Kevin Rudd eating his ear wax on a lazy day in Parliament.

Then Germany’s soccer coach did this.

Joachim Low has apologised for the tug and sniff manoeuvre he pulled off during his team’s Euro 2016 win over Ukraine.

“It was adrenaline and concentration. I will try to behave differently in the future,” he said.

“Obviously sometimes you do things subconsciously. It happened and I am sorry.”

Thanks Joachim. That explains everything. You forgot where you were. Happens to all of us.

Just one question. Should we put this one down to your subconscious as well?

German striker Lukas Podolski didn’t see the big deal. “About 80 per cent of you here have at some point scratched your balls,” he told assembled reporters. I’m assuming the other 20 per cent were women.

It’s the country that started the global financial crisis, so Iceland knows how to upset the apple cart.

And at Euro 2016, the football minnow playing in its first ever major tournament gave the much more fancied Portugal the fright of its life with a surprise 1-all draw.

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Portugal’s pretty boy captain Cristiano Ronaldo was not amused. “We tried hard to win and Iceland didn’t try anything,” he sniffed. “I thought they’d won the Euros the way they celebrated at the end.”

Iceland midfielder Kari Arnason hit back in the one way guaranteed to upset the Portuguese star. He used the M word.

“His comments are the reason why Messi is always going to be one step ahead of him,” he said.

Yep, I’d say Iceland wins that one in extra time. And on Twitter.

Super VictorDespite a few hiccups, the Euro 2016 organisers thought they were on a winner with their mascot, Super Victor.

A wholesome boy with a cape and super powers. What could possibly go wrong?

Except that parents Googling ‘Super Victor’ for their kids found themselves within an ace of buying an extremely large sex toy. Or an implement of torture, depending on how you look at it.

I won’t post a picture here because my eyes are still watering but let’s just say it would be like pleasuring yourself with a Darwin stubby.

Soccer hooligans are bad, right? Not according to Russian MP and soccer official Igor Lebedev, who applauded his countrymen for their attacks on England fans on the streets of Marseille.

“Nothing wrong with fighting. Keep it up boys!” he tweeted.

Top cop Vladimir Markin added his support. “The Europeans are surprised when they see a real man looking like a man should,” he tweeted. “They’re only used to seeing ‘men’ at gay parades.”

Meanwhile, here’s what happens when Sweden and Ireland fans come together. The horror, the horror.

As Russia waits to find out whether its track and field athletes will be competing at the Olympics, the World Anti-Doping Agency has released a new report which puts paid to any assurances by the Ruskies that they’re cleaning up their act.

Over the past seven months, 736 drug tests requested of Russian athletes were declined or cancelled and 111 tests couldn’t be completed because athletes gave false location details.

Athletes resorted to almost comical avoidance techniques, including simply running away. One inserted a clean urine sample inside her body and, when that leaked, tried to bribe the doping control officer in charge.

So I don’t think they’ll be singing Peter Allen songs any time soon.

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On the subject of the Olympics, Brazil’s sports minister Leonardo Picciani has tried his hand at comedy, promising: “Brazil is completely ready for the Games.”

I’m not quite sure how he explains the emergency loan being extended to Rio to finish Games construction. Or the work on the beach volleyball stadium which had to be stopped because the company forgot to get environmental authorisation. Or the new ‘super bacteria’ that’s just been found in the water.

And he does know it all kicks off in seven weeks, doesn’t he?

Still, at least there won’t be any terrorist threat. “Brazil is not a country that used to colonise countries, we don’t invade countries we don’t put our noses into other peoples lives,” explains Rio mayor Eduardo Paes. “It is not a country that is a target for terrorists.”

One person security may be called in to deal with is Brazil’s suspended president Dilma Rousseff who plans to see the Games come hell or high water.

“If I am not invited, I will climb a tree to watch,” she says.

Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone stretched credulity this week after public health organisations raised concerns about a sponsorship deal with Heineken.

“It is nothing to do with money,” Bernie said. “We would be happy to have them on board if they didn’t pay us!”

Yeah, I’m going to give this guy my proxy on that one.

Finally, it’s been great to see Roger Federer back on court after recent injury. In between tweaking his game, the Fed has been perfecting his photobomb technique.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Bring your game face.

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