You may not be aware but this weekend is a once-in-a-lifetime event. For the first time ever, the Oscars and the FIFA Presidential vote will be held on the same weekend.
(I’m going to claim this as an exclusive, as I’m sure it’s a link no other sports scribe has researched.)
Extraordinary things will unfold. Twenty-three years after his first Oscar nomination and on his fifth attempt, Leonardo DiCaprio will finally take home a gold statue. And I don’t mean his latest model girlfriend.
And for the first time in eighteen years, FIFA will elect a President who isn’t Septic Bladder. There’s even talk of Sylvester Stallone winning an Oscar. Which would set off scenes like this.
I don’t know if Tokyo Sexwale is his real name or his porn moniker but I’d love to hear newsreaders say it for the next 20 years.
I just worry that as a philanthropist, anti-apartheid campaigner and political activist once imprisoned with Nelson Mandela, Sexwale might be considered too, um — what’s the word I’m looking for? — ethical to run soccer’s ‘governing body’.
Jerome Champagne is expected to run out of fizz early. Prince Ali bin al-Hussein, who lost to Septic last time round, could be just the tonic FIFA needs, so it won’t be him. Besides, he’s just raised concerns about vote rigging, so he’ll be snubbed as badly as Leo DiCaprio in his last four Oscar nominations.
From all reports it’s coming down to a contest between the Sheikh and the Baby. My money’s on Infantino. I just hope Sepp puts in a cameo.
BEST PICTURE
The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight
It’s an absolute travesty that FIFA’s multi-million dollar puff piece, United Passions, isn’t nominated. In its absence, I’ll go with Spotlight. From his bunker in Rome, Cardinal George Pell will be delighted that yet more light is being shed on the issue of clergy abuse of minors.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Matt Damon, The Martian
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
While Sepp Blatter’s been putting in some great comic performances of late, no one can spoil Leo’s night. No one. He’s been waiting a very long time for this Oscar. Since he was knee-high to a grasshopper, or whatever critter he’s about to eat in the picture above. Ages anyway.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Cate Blanchett, Carol
Brie Larson, Room
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years
Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
It may not be the most jaunty of movies but Brie Larson’s turn in Room is exactly the kind of emotional mill the Academy likes to put its actresses through. If Sepp’s in the room, he’ll try to look down her top.
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Christian Bale, The Big Short
Tom Hardy, The Revenant
Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Wouldn’t it be amazing if Rocky won an Oscar? There won’t be a dry eye in the house. I’m tearing up already. Cue the music. Do the jog in the daggy grey tracksuit, pants pulled up way, way high. Run up the stairs and punch the air. Contort your face and slur like a drunkard. Go Rocky!
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Rooney Mara, Carol
Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
It’s almost impossible to upstage Eddie Redmayne. Especially when he’s playing a woman. Here’s your statuette, Alicia Vikander.
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Anomalisa
Boy and the World
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
When Marnie Was There
I’d love to go with the Shaun the Sheep, the movie that inspired a hairdo, but I’ll be a bit like these guys if Inside Out doesn’t win. Or maybe they’ve just seen Sepp’s latest press conference.
CINEMATOGRAPHY
Carol
The Hateful Eight
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant
Sicario
I’d go with Mad Max but the Academy tends to favour the loftier titles in this category, so The Revenant it is. Though for mine, the year’s best piece of cinema was this:
COSTUME DESIGN
Carol
Cinderella
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant
Cinderella had way better frocks than Mad Max.
Sepp Blatter has seen better days
DIRECTING
The Big Short
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight
Another one where Sepp could have stood a reasonable chance for his masterful direction of the cautionary tale about his own downfall. Sadly overlooked by the Academy, I’ll give my vote to The Revenant.
DOCUMENTARY (FEATURE)
Amy
Cartel Land
The Look of Silence
What Happened, Miss Simone?
Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom
The Look of Silence? What does that even mean? Amy has rock star appeal, with its Access All Areas pass into Amy Winehouse’s life and sad demise. It’s by the same crowd that made Senna. Next year, I’m hoping they have a crack at Sepp.
DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT)
Body Team 12
Chau, beyond the Lines
Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah
A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness
Last Day of Freedom
These categories are an absolute lottery, as the Academy members barely watch the nominated movies. Body Team 12. It’s about ebola. That’s all I know.
FILM EDITING
The Big Short
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Revenant
Spotlight
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Just put all the techy awards in a big box and hand them to the Mad Max crew.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Embrace of the Serpent
Mustang
Son of Saul
Theeb
A War
The Academy has a soft spot for Holocaust movies. And Son of Saul’s supposed to be an especially good one. Am I sounding sufficiently informed and authoritative? Perhaps I could get an acting Oscar.
MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING
Mad Max: Fury Road
The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed out the Window and Disappeared
The Revenant
While I’m very tempted to go with the 100-year-old fella, though not literally through the window, Mad Max is my tip. With an honourable mention to whoever crafted Septic Bladder’s latest look. Or is that the poster for the 100-year-old man movie?
Say what you like about Tarantino movies, they always have ripper music.
MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)
Earned It, Fifty Shades of Grey
Manta Ray, Racing Extinction
Simple Song #3, Youth
Til It Happens To You, The Hunting Ground
Writing’s On The Wall, Spectre
I’ve got a soft spot for The Hunting Ground, a documentary about sexual abuse on college campuses which I’ve quoted several times in my blog. Plus, this song hails from Gaga’s tonsils. How can it lose?
PRODUCTION DESIGN
Bridge of Spies
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Please see my comments under FILM EDITING.
SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
Bear Story
Prologue
Sanjay’s Super Team
We Can’t Live without Cosmos
World of Tomorrow
Going purely on title here. I just hope Sanjay’s Super Team isn’t about a group of people selling superannuation. That would be a short movie, though not at all animated.
SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)
Ave Maria
Day One
Everything Will Be Okay (Alles Wird Gut)
Shok
Stutterer
Total guess.
Mad Max’s techy award stash
SOUND EDITING
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Sicario
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
What did I say about the techy awards?
SOUND MIXING
Bridge of Spies
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Must I repeat myself?
VISUAL EFFECTS
Ex Machina
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
I see you’re getting the hang of this now. But let’s not overlook FIFA’s special effects in conjuring money seemingly without effort from every pocket of the globe. And all without CGI.
WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
The Big Short
Brooklyn
Carol
The Martian
Room
Making the global financial crisis comprehensible and entertaining? That deserves a Nobel Prize for Economics, let alone a writing Oscar.
WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
Bridge of Spies
Ex Machina
Inside Out
Spotlight
Straight Outta Compton
Whoever wrote the FIFA script over the past 12 months, the Academy thanks you. It had everything but a gratuitous sex scene. Great plot twists, excellent human drama. It maybe stretched credulity a tad but shouldn’t have been overlooked for a nomination.
BEST PICTURE
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
COSTUME DESIGN
DOCUMENTARY (FEATURE)
FILM EDITING
MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)
SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
kazblah 