The Oscars and the FIFA gig: who’ll win?

You may not be aware but this weekend is a once-in-a-lifetime event. For the first time ever, the Oscars and the FIFA Presidential vote will be held on the same weekend.

(I’m going to claim this as an exclusive, as I’m sure it’s a link no other sports scribe has researched.)

Extraordinary things will unfold. Twenty-three years after his first Oscar nomination and on his fifth attempt, Leonardo DiCaprio will finally take home a gold statue. And I don’t mean his latest model girlfriend.

And for the first time in eighteen years, FIFA will elect a President who isn’t Septic Bladder.  There’s even talk of Sylvester Stallone winning an Oscar. Which would set off scenes like this.

So here we go, my tips for the weekend.

FIFA PRESIDENT

Sheikh Salman bin Ibrahim al-Khalifa

Gianni Infantino

Tokyo Sexwale

Jerome Champagne

Prince Ali bin al-Hussein

I don’t know if Tokyo Sexwale is his real name or his porn moniker but I’d love to hear newsreaders say it for the next 20 years.

I just worry that as a philanthropist, anti-apartheid campaigner and political activist once imprisoned with Nelson Mandela, Sexwale might be considered too, um — what’s the word I’m looking for? — ethical to run soccer’s ‘governing body’.

Jerome Champagne is expected to run out of fizz early. Prince Ali bin al-Hussein, who lost to Septic last time round, could be just the tonic FIFA needs, so it won’t be him. Besides, he’s just raised concerns about vote rigging, so he’ll be snubbed as badly as Leo DiCaprio in his last four Oscar nominations.

From all reports it’s coming down to a contest between the Sheikh and the Baby. My money’s on Infantino. I just hope Sepp puts in a cameo.

spotlight-one-sheetBEST PICTURE

The Big Short

Bridge of Spies

Brooklyn

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Room

Spotlight

It’s an absolute travesty that FIFA’s multi-million dollar puff piece, United Passions, isn’t nominated. In its absence, I’ll go with Spotlight. From his bunker in Rome, Cardinal George Pell will be delighted that yet more light is being shed on the issue of clergy abuse of minors.

leonardo-dicaprioACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Bryan Cranston, Trumbo

Matt Damon, The Martian

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs

Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

While Sepp Blatter’s been putting in some great comic performances of late, no one can spoil Leo’s night. No one. He’s been waiting a very long time for this Oscar. Since he was knee-high to a grasshopper, or whatever critter he’s about to eat in the picture above. Ages anyway.

Room_PosterACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Cate Blanchett, Carol

Brie Larson, Room

Jennifer Lawrence, Joy

Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years

Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn

It may not be the most jaunty of movies but Brie Larson’s turn in Room is exactly the kind of emotional mill the Academy likes to put its actresses through. If Sepp’s in the room, he’ll try to look down her top.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Christian Bale, The Big Short

Tom Hardy, The Revenant

Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight

Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies

Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Wouldn’t it be amazing if Rocky won an Oscar? There won’t be a dry eye in the house. I’m tearing up already. Cue the music. Do the jog in the daggy grey tracksuit, pants pulled up way, way high. Run up the stairs and punch the air. Contort your face and slur like a drunkard. Go Rocky!

danish-girl-posterACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight

Rooney Mara, Carol

Rachel McAdams, Spotlight

Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

It’s almost impossible to upstage Eddie Redmayne. Especially when he’s playing a woman. Here’s your statuette, Alicia Vikander.

Inside Out.jpgANIMATED FEATURE FILM

Anomalisa

Boy and the World

Inside Out

Shaun the Sheep Movie

When Marnie Was There

I’d love to go with the Shaun the Sheep, the movie that inspired a hairdo, but I’ll be a bit like these guys if Inside Out doesn’t win. Or maybe they’ve just seen Sepp’s latest press conference.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Carol

The Hateful Eight

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Sicario

I’d go with Mad Max but the Academy tends to favour the loftier titles in this category, so The Revenant it is. Though for mine, the year’s best piece of cinema was this:

CinderellaCOSTUME DESIGN

Carol

Cinderella

The Danish Girl

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Cinderella had way better frocks than Mad Max.

revenant
Sepp Blatter has seen better days

DIRECTING

The Big Short

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Room

Spotlight

Another one where Sepp could have stood a reasonable chance for his masterful direction of the cautionary tale about his own downfall. Sadly overlooked by the Academy, I’ll give my vote to The Revenant.

AmyDOCUMENTARY (FEATURE)

Amy

Cartel Land

The Look of Silence

What Happened, Miss Simone?

Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom

The Look of Silence? What does that even mean? Amy has rock star appeal, with its Access All Areas pass into Amy Winehouse’s life and sad demise. It’s by the same crowd that made Senna. Next year, I’m hoping they have a crack at Sepp.

DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT)

Body Team 12

Chau, beyond the Lines

Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah

A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness

Last Day of Freedom

These categories are an absolute lottery, as the Academy members barely watch the nominated movies. Body Team 12. It’s about ebola. That’s all I know.

Mad Max.jpgFILM EDITING

The Big Short

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Spotlight

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Just put all the techy awards in a big box and hand them to the Mad Max crew.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Embrace of the Serpent

Mustang

Son of Saul

Theeb

A War

The Academy has a soft spot for Holocaust movies. And Son of Saul’s supposed to be an especially good one. Am I sounding sufficiently informed and authoritative? Perhaps I could get an acting Oscar.

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

Mad Max: Fury Road

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed out the Window and Disappeared

The Revenant

While I’m very tempted to go with the 100-year-old fella, though not literally through the window, Mad Max is my tip. With an honourable mention to whoever crafted Septic Bladder’s latest look. Or is that the poster for the 100-year-old man movie?

Hateful-Eight-Poster-2016-1MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)

Bridge of Spies

Carol

The Hateful Eight 

Sicario

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Say what you like about Tarantino movies, they always have ripper music.

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)

Earned It, Fifty Shades of Grey

Manta Ray, Racing Extinction

Simple Song #3, Youth

Til It Happens To You, The Hunting Ground

Writing’s On The Wall, Spectre

I’ve got a soft spot for The Hunting Ground, a documentary about sexual abuse on college campuses which I’ve quoted several times in my blog. Plus, this song hails from Gaga’s tonsils. How can it lose?

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Bridge of Spies

The Danish Girl

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Please see my comments under FILM EDITING.

Sanjay's_Super_Team_posterSHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

Bear Story

Prologue

Sanjay’s Super Team

We Can’t Live without Cosmos

World of Tomorrow

Going purely on title here. I just hope Sanjay’s Super Team isn’t about a group of people selling superannuation. That would be a short movie, though not at all animated.

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

Ave Maria

Day One

Everything Will Be Okay (Alles Wird Gut)

Shok

Stutterer

Total guess.

oscars
Mad Max’s techy award stash

SOUND EDITING

Mad Max: Fury Road 

The Martian

The Revenant

Sicario

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

What did I say about the techy awards?

SOUND MIXING

Bridge of Spies

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Must I repeat myself?

VISUAL EFFECTS

Ex Machina

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I see you’re getting the hang of this now. But let’s not overlook FIFA’s special effects in conjuring money seemingly without effort from every pocket of the globe. And all without CGI.

the-big-short-movie-posterWRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

The Big Short 

Brooklyn

Carol

The Martian

Room

Making the global financial crisis comprehensible and entertaining? That deserves a Nobel Prize for Economics, let alone a writing Oscar.

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

Bridge of Spies

Ex Machina

Inside Out

Spotlight

Straight Outta Compton

Whoever wrote the FIFA script over the past 12 months, the Academy thanks you. It had everything but a gratuitous sex scene. Great plot twists, excellent human drama. It maybe stretched credulity a tad but shouldn’t have been overlooked for a nomination.

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