FIFA’s problems solved. Honest.

Stop everything. I think I’ve found the new FIFA president. With candidates falling like flies ahead of the February 26 vote, caught up in corruption probes of their own, there has emerged a person with exactly the qualities you’d expect in the boss of soccer’s ‘governing’ body. Here are some of his recent quotes —…

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Flying Dutchman crashes to earth

He scored one of the goals of last year’s FIFA World Cup, a leaping horizontal header that earned him the nickname The Flying Dutchman and many a social media meme. This week, the Netherlands found themselves inexplicably struggling to qualify for next year’s European Championships. Two goals down against the Czech Republic and needing every…

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Would the last person to leave FIFA please turn out the light?

Here’s a picture of FIFA’s executive boardroom. Yes, it would probably be right at home on a Star Trek set. But the point is, it’s empty. You see, after a night of the long knives wielded by FIFA’s ethics committee (sorry, that phrase still cracks me up), there’s no one left to run the joint….

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FIFA goes into crisis management mode

It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for. FIFA boss Septic Bladder is under criminal investigation. In the scheme of the shenanigans that passes for football administration, it’s not the biggest misdemeanour we’ve heard about. But it embroils the key players of soccer’s ‘governing’ body — Septic himself and the bloke who, until now, was…

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Battle of the boofheads

If we’ve discovered one thing from the Adam Goodes episode this week, it’s the dumbest person in Australia. It’s been a hotly contested tussle. Some of the comments put forward wouldn’t look out of place in a Miss Universe pageant. But from the primordial slime has emerged a clear winner. Come on down, Griffin McMaster….

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Friday Funnies: Shane Warne expands his horizons

Americans, be warned. Lock up your daughters, wives, sisters, mothers, mistresses and blow-up dolls. Shane Warne is heading your way. In between lamenting that since joining Tinder women are always accusing him of impersonating Shane Warne, Warnie’s been busy teaming up with Sachin Tendulkar to crack the stubborn US market. They’ve assembled what the Sheikh…

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Friday Funnies: The big guns of tennis take aim

Boris Becker has decided to have a crack at, of all people, Roger Federer for, of all things, being too nice. In his new book, Boom-Boom backhands the Swiss maestro, saying: “The reason Roger is one of the highest-paid athletes of all time is because he’s liked by everybody. “But think about this — you…

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The one thing missing from women’s soccer

If there’s one thing that stands out about the FIFA Women’s World Cup, it’s the distinct lack of diving. There are no amateur dramatics like this. Maybe it’s because there’s not enough pay in the women’s game to cover acting lessons. Or because throwing yourself around on artificial turf is like going ten rounds with…

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