Would the last person to leave FIFA please turn out the light?

Here’s a picture of FIFA’s executive boardroom. Yes, it would probably be right at home on a Star Trek set. But the point is, it’s empty. You see, after a night of the long knives wielded by FIFA’s ethics committee (sorry, that phrase still cracks me up), there’s no one left to run the joint….

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FIFA goes into crisis management mode

It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for. FIFA boss Septic Bladder is under criminal investigation. In the scheme of the shenanigans that passes for football administration, it’s not the biggest misdemeanour we’ve heard about. But it embroils the key players of soccer’s ‘governing’ body — Septic himself and the bloke who, until now, was…

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Six stupid words from Sepp

Here are the six most stupid words uttered this week — and it’s not even something Donald Trump said. Nope, it’s Septic Bladder. Now, I know the president of soccer’s ‘governing’ body has said some dumb things in his time, from the tightness of women’s shorts to the possibility of World Cups with aliens, but…

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Battle of the boofheads

If we’ve discovered one thing from the Adam Goodes episode this week, it’s the dumbest person in Australia. It’s been a hotly contested tussle. Some of the comments put forward wouldn’t look out of place in a Miss Universe pageant. But from the primordial slime has emerged a clear winner. Come on down, Griffin McMaster….

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English cricket and other maulings

You know you’re in trouble when former Aussie Prime Minister John Howard starts sledging you about your sporting prowess. The noted cricket tragic reckons England’s batsmen have a ‘psychological problem’ with the Aussie bowling attack, which has left them ‘just a little bit spooked’. Which is all true, of course. But it’s a bit rich…

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July sports marathon too much for some

July. It’s the best month on the sporting calendar. There’s Wimbledon. Le Tour. Often a World Cup of some description. And this year there’s the Ashes as well. For some, it’s a little too much. At Wimbledon, the Duchess of Cornwall didn’t look that thrilled to be going home with one of Andy Murray’s sweaty…

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Friday Funnies: Putin declares war… on yoga

We know how much Vladimir Putin loves his sport, whether it’s riding horses, carving up an ice hockey rink, throwing blokes to the judo mat or generally being a manly man. But it seems there are some physical pursuits Vlad just can’t abide. Gay sex, for one. And yoga. Now you’d think someone with the…

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Friday Funnies: Shane Warne expands his horizons

Americans, be warned. Lock up your daughters, wives, sisters, mothers, mistresses and blow-up dolls. Shane Warne is heading your way. In between lamenting that since joining Tinder women are always accusing him of impersonating Shane Warne, Warnie’s been busy teaming up with Sachin Tendulkar to crack the stubborn US market. They’ve assembled what the Sheikh…

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Friday Funnies: The big guns of tennis take aim

Boris Becker has decided to have a crack at, of all people, Roger Federer for, of all things, being too nice. In his new book, Boom-Boom backhands the Swiss maestro, saying: “The reason Roger is one of the highest-paid athletes of all time is because he’s liked by everybody. “But think about this — you…

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Friday Funnies: thrills, spills, a couple of dills

It’s one of my favourite clips so far from the Women’s World Cup. Swiss striker Ramona Bachmann gets the ball at the halfway line, evades one, two, three, four, five defenders, then the goalie, sets herself for an angular shot at goal… and then falls over. Not one of those I’m-in-the-penalty-box-so-let’s-milk-it-for-all-its-worth dives but a legitimate…

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Women’s soccer far from a level playing field

After a week of arrests and resignations at the highest level of the game, FIFA has some actual football to focus on. The FIFA Women’s World Cup kicked off in Canada over the weekend, not a moment too soon for soccer’s embattled ‘governing’ — if you’ll pardon the looseness of the language — body. There…

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Friday Funnies: Blatter ‘working hard’ on reforms

Today, in the most ironic timing ever, the film United Passions is being released in the United States. Almost entirely funded by FIFA to the tune of more than $30 million (!!!), it dramatises the early days of soccer’s governing body and the introduction of the World Cup. Without the corruption. So it’s a short film….

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